Nervous Congress Bans Everything Related To Violence

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Jan 18, 2011

Speaking from behind a reinforced podium, a Kevlar-wearing House Speaker John Boehner and a plate armor-clad Steny Hoyer introduced a joint bill banning all references to violence and violent things throughout the country.

“After the recent tragedy in Arizona, we refuse to take any chances,” said Boehner as he crouched behind the podium to put several inches of wood and steel between any potential sniper bullets. “From this day onward, violence is no longer allowed. Anywhere. In fact, you can’t even talk about it.”

The bill passed both the Senate and the House of Representatives by overwhelming margins. Following its passage, all members of Congress agreed that henceforth, they would wear nothing but skintight outfits and skullcaps to prevent any possibility of hidden weaponry.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, clad in only a tinfoil hat and a loincloth, lauded the news in the White House press briefing room, after personally performing cavity searches on every reporter.

“It’s about damn time that something like this has happened,” said a smug Reid. “It was only really a matter of time. The Republicans have finally stopped obstructing progress … Wait, can I say ‘obstructing’ anymore? Could that somehow be misconstrued? PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!”

The effects of the bill are already causing shockwaves around the country. Stores selling guns, ammo, water guns, knives, Nerf toys, kitchen utensils and other related items have been given a 24-hour period to permanently close their doors by authorities.

Police are similarly feeling the effects. Stripped of their guns, nightsticks and pointy badges, several precincts around the country are reporting difficulty in enforcing the new law.

However, as House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi put it, the country is safer for what they have done.

“All you pansies can shove it,” said Pelosi, who was clad in only an ammunition belt, grenades and a double barrel shotgun. “And yeah, I know I’m not allowed to say shit like that anymore. But who’s going to stop me? Now bow to your new master!”