Ndamukong Suh Eats Pregnant Woman

Story by Greg Bright 

| Published Dec 6, 2011

Detroit Police are reporting that Lions Defensive Tackle Ndamukong Suh has, in fact, eaten a pregnant woman. Suh is believed to have become angry with the 8-months-pregnant woman when both were crossing a busy street; the woman stopped, blocking Suh's path to the other side of the road.

Suh then proceeded to eat the pregnant woman.

“We’re not exactly sure what his reasoning was or what he thought he could gain from it,” Detroit police chief John Eils said. “But we are sure that he did eat her whole.”

“It’d be quite impressive if it wasn’t so inappropriate and gross.”

Immediate reactions were mixed, with some suggesting that Suh may have had a legitimate reason for eating the woman, and that he deserves a chance to defend himself. Others have gone so far as to suggest that the pregnant woman might have brought it on herself.

Many Detroit Lions and Nebraska Cornhuskers fans say that the unfortunate incident will allow the national media to make Suh out as some kind of “dirty” human being, which they claim isn’t true.

“Suh would never eat a pregnant woman unless he had a reason,” Lions fan Dan James said.

“I mean, have you seen that Chrysler commercial with him in it? He’s not a dirty guy, he’s a gentle giant!”

As of press time, Suh had released a facebook message saying that he apologizes to “his teammates and the fans” for putting himself in a situation where eating a pregnant woman was a “possibility.” The defensive tackle also said he will try in the future to refrain from eating women with a living organism “such as a fetus” inside of them.

An NFL spokesman said that the league is considering another 2-game suspension.