Navy Only Allowing Women On Submarines If They Promise To "Totally Lezz Out"

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Mar 29, 2010

Overturning decades' worth of policy in the process, the United States Navy announced two weeks ago its intent to lift the longstanding ban on women serving in submarines. A press conference held by Navy spokesperson Lt. Colonel Edgard Arevalo clarified the finer points of the plan, bringing new stipulations to light.

"Naturally, women serving on our impressive retinue of subaquatic vessels can expect the same equal treatment and respect given to any member of the Navy — we've even taken extra steps to keep them comfortable," Arevalo said. "For example, women will be given their own sleeping quarters, fully stocked with sensual massage oils and down pillows positively stuffed to the brim, to the point where a moderate show of centripetal force — say, playing batting your bunkmate with one — will dust the room with a shower of fluffy white feathers."

"So hawt," he added quietly, but not quietly enough to avoid detection by his podium's microphone.

Although exact details have yet to be hammered out, Arevalo and others hope women will fully embrace all aspects of the submariner lifestyle, such as the running joke about all-male sub crews, "100 guys go down, 50 happy couples come up."

"Granted, that's just a saying we bandy about to lighten the mood, instill comradery," Arevalo said. "But, we are completely cool with women taking it at face value and applying it to their own lives."

The Navy is in full support, Arevalo continued, of women who awake in the middle of the night — disquieted by the stark silence and the realization they are aboard but a tiny speck floating in the endless midst of a dark, uncaring ocean — assuaging their discomfort by sliding into a fellow servicewomen's bunk to hold and be held until the morning arrives.

"We won't even make them get up for breakfast if they decide they'd rather lounge in bed for a few more hours, gingerly working their fingers across the small of each other's necks, whispering faint declarations of love unyielding," Arevalo said. "We will do whatever it takes to make these women feel at home."

Arevalo concluded the conference by stating the Navy was already stocking up on the provisions necessary to implement the new policy, such as some "super chill, laid-back mood music" to be piped throughout the women's section of each sub, and several crates of high quality wine in case anyone "needs some encouragement to get things going." He also asked at least a dozen attractive females in the audience if they'd ever considered a naval career.

As of press time, most of the aforementioned supplies had been accumulated, but Navy officials were still hard at work determining the best way to "deal with that whole period thing."