NAACP Revokes Obama's Race Card

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| Published Oct 25, 2011

Story by Faiz Siddiqui

President Barack Obama suffered a near-fatal blow Wednesday when, in an unprecedented move, the NAACP formally stripped him of his membership in the black race.

Hoping to receive a campaign endorsement, the man formerly known as Barack Obama was made aware of the ruling by an Oct. 12 letter from NAACP President Benjamin Jealous.

"We regret to inform you that, upon examination of your musical tastes, your dancing abilities and your past leadership, we have decided to expel you, not simply from the organization, but from the black race as a whole," the letter said. "We cannot purvey this fallacious claim any further. The NAACP will hereby refer to you simply as Dave to avoid future misidentification with a black man formerly known as Barack Obama. We recommend that the global news media and the Associated Press do the same."

Dave was seen pacing the White House corridors in the immediate aftermath of the release, occasionally "brushing his shoulders off" and intermittently "two-stepping" in and out of the Oval Office. In a last-ditch effort to uphold his "rep," the President issued an executive order demanding that all governmental institutions of the executive branch display, on loop, a YouTube clip of him draining a three-pointer in a recreational game of basketball with U.S. troops.

The stern declaration incited feelings of bitter resentment for a president who had ironically been charged with determining a fellow politician's "blackness" as recently as a 2008 CNN Presidential Debate.

"I would have to...investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was, in fact, a brother," he said, in reference to former President Bill Clinton and his reputation for being the nation's "first black president."

Early Thursday, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney offered the administration's response, hinting at possible punitive action for the NAACP.

"Dave is deeply saddened by the developments," Carney said. "All throughout his white upbringing, the president embraced his golden-brown skin in vain. His own people have turned against him. For this act of high treason, the United States of America is forced to consider labeling the NAACP a terrorist organization."

Vice President Joe Biden offered insight of his own.

"NWA is some punk-ass bitches," he said, confusing the civil rights organization with a popular 90's rap group. "We gon' fuck dey pussy asses up [sic]."

Higher-ups at the NAACP were on high alert Thursday, well aware of the administration's strict policy regarding dissenters, wary of the looming threat of a retaliatory predator drone strike.

Amid a swarm of demanding press-members and directionless college students who "went black, didn't expect to go back," NAACP Chief of Staff Roger Vann attempted to justify his organization's controversial actions.

"We just want another shot at this," he said. "We waited a long time to see one of us in the highest office. This will pave the way for there to be another first black president."