Multibillion Dollar Robotics Grant Rescinded After Prototype Fails The “Can You Fuck It?” Test

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Jan 26, 2010

After four years of tweaking and field testing a military vehicle capable of driving itself, 48 programmers, mechanics and engineers now find themselves out of a job. Arms contractor SyrTech Global announced massive layoffs yesterday, after the Department of Defense revoked a $56 billion grant that would have funded an additional four years of work on the Sentient Covert Operations Unit Transport, or S.C.O.U.T.

DoD spokesperson Lawrence Di Rita cited several problems with the project, such as the vehicle's insistence on driving the posted speed limit, and the ethical questions raised by the proposed S.C.O.U.T. animated series tie-in and corresponding toy line from Matell. Even more detrimental, however, was the S.C.O.U.T.'s inability to pass the U.S. Robotics Coalition's newly implemented “Can you fuck it?” test.

Although the vehicle would undoubtedly save hundreds of soldiers' lives if implemented, the USRC guidelines cannot be circumvented. As of last month, any robotics patent hoping to qualify for government funding must merit a “yes” when asked the following questions:

1.) “Will it unarguably improve the quality of human life?”
2.) “Do the benefits of proper use outweigh the dangers of improper use?”
3.) “Can it be posed for some bitchin' PR shots?”
4.) “Can you fuck it?”

The fourth item on the list originally read “Will it ever love me?”, but was later modified after a USRC panel claimed it felt such a standard would compel machinists to invent the “wrong sort of robot.”

“Robotics is a very expensive industry, both in terms of parts and labor,” said USRC president Titania Groves. “We need to be certain the billions of dollars in taxpayer money being spent cultivates technologies that will better the whole of humanity, and that can be fucked completely senseless, eight days a week.”

The impetus for the new four-question vetting system was the widely publicized disaster, the Segway, which neither revolutionized human transit, nor provided users “some o' dat satisfaction.”

“Yes, we're aware the Segway is unable to climb stairs, and that also you can't have sex with it,” said inventor Dean Kamen. “But moreover, I regret that my creation led to thousands of police officers nationwide losing the respect of their communities, to say nothing of spawning hundreds of hack comedy writers who now think the word Segway in and of itself constitutes a punchline.”

“Seriously, I hate those guys,” he added. “Thinkin' they're all clever with their stupid, raggedy-ass beards and lame haircuts they probably did themselves.”

Although the S.C.O.U.T. design team and the USRC both agreed all satirists should be lined up and shot, that quickly proved to be their only common ground. Heated words were exchanged, forever ruining several careers.

“Okay, fine! Fine,” shouted head engineer Thomas Djibinski following his third meeting with the USRC board of directors. “We'll rip out the on-board navigation matrix – which may I remind you is capable of detecting all lifeforms within 200 yards through thermal resonance imaging and then identifying them as friend, foe or neutral by scanning for special microchips that will come standard issue in all U.S. dog tags by 2011 – and put in a Fleshlight instead. Happy now? Jesus!”

Djibinski was unavailable for further comment, his time occupied with the tireless testing of the USRC guideline-friendly S.C.O.U.T. model.