Mormon Slut Will Hold Hands With Just About Anybody

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

Local Mormon teenager Tabitha-Ann Hinckley was caught this week holding hands with a boy she had just met, introduced to her parents, and then dated while chaperoned, acquaintances and fellow Mormons are reporting whenever Tabitha-Ann is out of the room. Sources further report that this just goes to show that the “slut” will hold hands with “anything with a pulse.”

“Holding hands may not seem like a big deal now,” said fellow Mormon Chastity Elman, “but hand-holding is the gateway display of affection. If she keeps this up then next thing we know Tabitha-Ann will be chugging Coca Cola’s and licking boys’ tongues.”

“This is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, not The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Sluts,” Elman added.

Tabitha-Ann denies all wrongdoing, claiming that she and Nephi Belvin like each other very much and reasoning that “if God gave his children such soft hands, why wouldn’t he want us to hold other hands with them? Even the prophet Joseph Smith was known to occasionally hold hands with two, three, or even twenty-seven different girls at the same time.”

Handholding partner Nephi Belvin was reportedly overheard after church last Sunday bragging to friends that Tabitha-Ann’s hands were just two of “probably dozens” of hands he had held in his life.

“It was a little awkward because I could tell it was Tabitha-Ann’s first time holding hands,” Nephi Belvin said. “I think it hurt her at first because my hands are pretty big, but by the end I could tell she was totally into it.”

Belvin added, “I guess you could say I’m a lot like the Angel Moroni, only instead of showing the prophet Joseph Smith where to find the golden plates, I show the ladies where to find my hands.”