Missing Pants, A Concern

Story by Larry Goodwell 

| Published Feb 1, 2011

We all have our moments in life where we look back and wonder, “what the hell was I doing?” Sometimes we can track streams of thoughts that lead us to either saying or doing something stupid. When we get older these are called senior moments. For now its either that we are just that stupid, or else were rather intoxicated.

Not too long ago I lost a good pair of pants. They were dress pants, and cost me quiet a bit of money. Lets just say that there was a really good Thanksgiving party at a friend’s house. The morning after, I realized that I had no idea what had happened to the clothes I had worn the night before. The entire next day, my mind was awash with questions about what on earth I did to my pants.

When it comes down to it, the process of getting “black out” drunk is probably the most ridiculous concept people have ever come up with. “Hey, guys, lets shove all the alcohol we can down our throats. And in the morning we wont remember what we did. But it will be so much fun to throw up all over this carpet!”

The reality is, people are putting huge amounts of poison into their body. Great! In fact, there are times where people will make drinking a competition. It is so strange--we are no different than the monkeys on the island of St. Kitt. Google it, that shit is crazy. The entire social structure of their monkey society is based around alcohol the tourists bring in. The leader monkey is the one who can drink the most. Doesn’t sound much different from the last party that, well... that anybody was at.

There are plenty of things that make people seem even crazier. Skiing, for one, is a sure fire way to make you appear crazy. People actually strap two little sleds onto their feet, stand up, hold two sticks, and hurl themselves off a mountain. It doesn’t even stop at just sliding down a steep mountain face: people are making ramps. People slide down and launch up in the air, where hopefully they can do a back flip and land safely hundreds of feet later. Pure insanity.

There is a reason why we vomit when we have too much alcohol. There is also a reason why we cough when we smoke a cigarette for the first time or so, or any other substance. Our bodies just don’t want it. The hunched stance over the toilet and the tense muscles in your sides is your body saying, “fuck you.” A broken leg or massive concussion is gravity saying, “don’t fucking tempt me.”

Luckily, after a day of looking around, I found my pants. They were hung up nicely in my closet inside a garment bag. I’m sure my night was great, if only I could remember it, but that’s not the point. People do stupid shit all the time. It is not ever going to stop. The best thing to do is just hope your skis are still on when you land.