Microsoft Hosts Zune Funeral Service Inside Custodial Closet

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| Published Oct 25, 2011

Story by Beau Poehlman

After a five-year sojourn, Microsoft has assembled a memorial for the Zune, thus hammering the final nail in the coffin of its self-styled portable media player.

Company representatives recently edited Zune’s official online support page, which now reads, “In the interest of preventing further embarrassment, thumb sucking and corporate downsizing, we are discontinuing production of Zune players. We thank our loyal fans for sticking with our device through thick and thin. Actually, we should say, ‘through thin and thin,’ because we knew that our player was sunk before that ship left the harbor.”

Microsoft was not quick to sweep its failure under the rug; in fact, company executives found it necessary say their final goodbyes to Zune with a funeral.

The service was held in Microsoft’s own headquarters in Redmond, Wash. Due to countless secretarial appointments, board meetings and brunch parties, organizers of the event were pushed for space. The building’s basement-level custodial storage closet, being the only unused room in the facility, was chosen as the funeral’s location.

Approximately one dozen attendees were welcomed, some of whom were disgruntled custodians rummaging for vomit mops. Several Microsoft administrators gave unrehearsed eulogies.

On the subject of Zune’s passing, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said, “Zune was like a straw. Had it kept going, it would have broken the camel’s back. And the people that purchased the Zune are kind of like the scarecrow made of straw, from the Land of Oz; they lack rationality. And a brain. And after looking at Zune’s performance in the media player marketplace, I think all of us here at Microsoft have had the final straw. Speaking of straws, is anyone else thirsty? I could use a soda right now.”

As an added enticement, all funeral attendees were awarded free iPod Nano MP3 players. After the eulogies, Ballmer instructed everyone to “get out and get back to work.”