Melting Rice 'Apparently Possible,' Reports Stoned Guy Making Rice

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

Aspen Dugaard recently stunned both critics of his apathetic lifestyle and acclaimed chemists alike when he violated centuries of scientific precedent with a single stupefying feat. As of 4:15 p.m. last Thursday, Dugaard became the first person in recorded history to fuck up instant rice so badly he actually melted the shit.

"I looked down into the pot, and instead of delicious, growth-stunting rice, there was this foul, squishy mess that stank like soft cheese curdled in a dryer," Duggaard said. "Shit was nasty."

Though reports are still coming in, most accounts from the scene claim Dugaard left the pot on the stove burner for nearly six hours. When it dawned on him that his meal had been simmering for the entire Blockbuster shift he'd called in sick to, Dugaard dashed to his kitchenette, expecting the worst.

"I thought there'd be nothing left, like some kind of unenriched, long-grain black hole," Dugaard said. "But it was all still there, just melted. I was confused at first. Then I totally remembered the Law of Conservation of Mass, which holds matter can be neither created nor destroyed.

"Then I was all, 'Whoa ... rice is matter, duder!' Blew my mind."

As of press time, Dugaard was inadvertently avoiding congratulatory phone calls, wondering instead why the squad car radio on COPS kept playing the same 30-second clip of Widespread Panic's "Angels on High" over and over.

"I'm a victim of senseless luxury, really," bemoaned Dugaard. "Five minutes to prepare rice is way too quick. By the time I remember, 'Oh hey! I'm making rice' it's already too late."