McCain Promises Nation’s Youth Hard Candies If Elected

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Oct 14, 2008

Faced with bleak poll numbers and less than three weeks to go before elections, Sen. John McCain made a last-ditch appeal to the youngest segment of American voters last night when he said he would personally hand out two or three hard candies to every young person in the country if he were made president.

In a televised address to what McCain termed the most adorable and fastest-growing-up portion of America today, he brandished a white porcelain candy dish full of Werther’s Original and offered all sprouts and darlings the chance to take as many as they wanted so long as they voted Republican and also didn’t tell their parents how much he spoiled them.
    
Young American people today are uniquely positioned to determine the fate of the last remaining superpower,” McCain said while pretending to eat one of the hard caramels and rubbing his stomach in pleasure.  “Which is why, when I am elected, I will make sure to leave this candy dish on the coffee table in the Lincoln Bedroom in case anyone wants any,” he said.
    
The Obama campaign was quick to fire back, with campaign manager David Plouffe calling the hard candy plan “out of date” and “more of the same.”
    
McCain seems to think America has already forgotten the disastrous policies of George W. Bush, who made a similar, unfulfilled promise to play catch with today’s youth whenever it wanted and to occasionally let them sit on his shoulders while watching parades,” Plouffe said in an e-mail to Obama supporters. Plouffe went on to add “That’s why, if you make a donation of at least $15 to Barack Obama’s historic bid for the white house today, you’ll be entered in a drawing for a chance to sit on Barack Obama’s lap and help him drive the campaign bus.”

A Gallup poll after McCain’s announcement last night showed a full 24 percent of undecided, likely voters aged 18 to 24 were more likely to vote for McCain as a result of this announcement, while an impressive 54 percent said they would be more likely to vote for McCain “if there weren’t any other of the good candies left and they were going to have to eat roast beef again for dinner.”

At a rally Tuesday afternoon hosted by the Ohio Steelworkers’ Union, Obama breached the subject directly, stating that McCain was “trying to distract Americans from the enormous issues at hand” by offering them what he sees as a clear bribe, and that he thinks “the American people are smarter
than that.”
 
“And besides,” Obama added, “More than two years ago, in the Senate, I introduced a comprehensive bill that would give funding to programs that would distribute three feet of flavor, in the form of a Fruit-By-the-Foot, to university cafeterias and student unions across this country. And you know what? McCain voted against it.”