McCain Prefers Holiday Inn To Hanoi Hilton

Story by John McCain 

| Published Nov 11, 2008

Hello my friends, it’s me, John McCain.

Recently I just lost the election for the president of the United States. Hard. But that’s not why I’m writing this.

This is about me using my extensive knowledge of hotels from traveling all over the world to help you find the right one.

Many of these hotels are in places that my former opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, has never been to.

But I digress.

In tradition of my weekly comparison of two hotels in the world I will be comparing the Connecticut Holiday Inn located in the heart of Mianus, and the world renowned Hanoi Hilton where I had a lengthy stay during the Vietnam War.

Usually the picks are pretty close in quality but this week is a complete blowout with Mianus taking the cake on hospitality, cleanliness, service, and location.

First up, hospitality.

When I drove up to the hotel in Mianus, the valet was waiting to park my car before the bell hop greeted me and complimented my tie.

The clerk was very nice and even helped me wipe when I went to the bathroom.

When I was dragged through the doors of the Hanoi Hilton a man was waiting with a smile to hit me in the skull with the butt of his rifle.

There was no valet and the people there called me mean names that I couldn’t understand right before they spit in my face.

In Mianus, there was a sweet scent of cinnamon and chamomile in the air. In Hanoi the rank stench of feces and rotting flesh saturated its every corner.

Now on to cleanliness.

Mianus was spotless. Every nook and cranny was scrubbed to perfection everyday by their friendly, efficient cleaning staff.

Hanoi’s facilities were less than sanitary. What looked like beef stroganoff covered the floors and walls with random blood spattering here and there.

I couldn’t find a maid anywhere. Needless to say, I wasn’t very happy.

The toilets in Mianus were always unblemished and stocked with fresh TP. There weren’t any toilets in Hanoi and anytime I asked to go I was stabbed right under the knee cap.

The service in Mianus was top notch. All of the employees were very knowledgeable about the hotel and the surrounding area, ready with suggestions for places to eat and sights to see.

Room service was only a call away with only a minimal wait for my meal to arrive. In Hanoi I had countless strips of bamboo shoved underneath my fingernails.

I made use Mianus’ full staff of masseuses before I took a dip in their luxurious pool and hot tub. In Hanoi I was beaten with lead pipes while I was being waterboarded, listening to people break endless roles of bubble wrap and watching someone try to write with an inkless pen.

Finally, location.

The Holiday Inn’s primo spot in downtown put me right in the middle of Mianus’ nightlife. Shops, boutiques, restaurants, cafés, and other attractions were only a short walk away.

All the major department stores could be found if I needed to stock up on any supplies I might have forgot at home.

The lovely New England scenery gave me a cozy feeling inside.

My friends. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

In Hanoi, I was surrounded by dense jungle, venomous and vicious animals, disease, and gunfire. There wasn’t a Wal-Mart in sight. There was a McDonald’s though.

There wasn’t any nightlife to speak of besides the sound of animals eating each other and the occasional gunning down of an escapee.

There you have it my friends. Mianus’ service with a smile trumps Hanoi’s torture and psychological warfare.

Mianus’ cleanliness reigns supreme over Hanoi’s rodent infestation and less than adequate upkeep. Hanoi’s Hilton might be a nice place to drive through but not to stay.

For five and a half years.

On the other hand, if you’re ever in the Connecticut area there’s no better place to be than in Mianus.