Man Tries To Remove Gerbil From Own Rectum With Cat, Now Needs Dog

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Sep 8, 2009

A Lincoln man was arrested yesterday for breaking and entering after coaxing a neighbor’s border collie into his anus. During his interrogation, Patrick Lamen’s investigators were bewildered when, unexpectedly, his patootie started purring.

“At first we thought it was his cell phone vibrating. Only after a thorough cavity search did we find a rabid Siamese cat clawing its way toward what appeared to be the partially digested remains of a gerbil,” said lead investigator, Detective Bruce Richards.

When asked how he felt about the predicament, Mr. Lamen responded, “Are you kidding me? You should have seen the time I started with the dog. Ever seen a baby grizzly climb his way up the Hershey highway? Didn’t think so.”

Others involved weren’t so calm and collected.

“I’ve seen a lot of shit in my day…but come on. Damn,” said Lieutenant Greg Harrison, fellow investigator. “I love animals. And trust me, I LOVE ass play, but I know where to draw the line. Spiders, lobsters, hell even scorpions I’m down for; but gerbils? Fuck off, that’s ridiculous.”

Upon discovering the two furry gastrointestinal intruders the LPD had Lamen rushed to the ER. He was to undergo surgery to remove the cat and the decomposed gerbil. PETA responded immediately to the unnatural extrication of the animals. An overwhelming mob of tens of peoples blockaded the entrance to the Saint Elizabeth Regional Medical Center.

“How dare the elitist Lincoln medical staff take nature’s matters into their own hands?! Whatever animals decided to crawl into that man’s crevice...it was out of their own God-given will and human-level intellect. They obviously wanted to be slowly dissolved by Mr. Lamen’s digestive system, and I’ll be damned if their plight will be interfered with.”

Doctors and surgeons at St. Elizabeth merely shrugged and laughed at Lamen’s dumb, bloated ass. After an extensive CAT Scan, lead examiner Dr. Orlin took the image, put it as his desktop background and prescribed Lamen basic laxatives.

Lamen limped out of the automatic doors and thanked them.

“See you guys next month!”