Man Sues Over Libelous Autobiography
| Published Nov 25, 2008
At the pretrial hearings, state judge Charles Mayweather asked how the case managed to make it this far. Mayweather then informed Mr. Jensen that he was in fact attempting to sue himself as he wrote and published the memoirs.
Jensen smugly responded, “Excuse, but ‘They’ made me do it, all of it, and they must pay.” When asked who “They” were Jensen leapt from his chair exclaiming, “Me! Shutup! You don’t control me! Yes I do, kill them all!”
Taking a moment to regain his composure Jensen continued, “We the plaintiff seek the amount of three million dollars in damages and the death penalty.”
In response Judge Mayweather told Jensen that the death penalty is not a possible punishment in the case of libel. “We’ll see about that!” yelled Jensen, subsequently attempting to viciously bite himself in the neck.
When asked how the defense pleaded Jensen said, “We plead not guilty by reason of insanity. I’m not crazy, YOU'RE CRAZY!” Jensen then reached in his pocket and retrieved a handful of cigarette butts and began to eat them.
Without request or contest, Jensen pulled a copy of his book from the waistband of his pants and began to read his “favorite parts.”
Jensen, once an icon of respect and integrity in his hometown of Fairfield, shocked his friends and neighbors with his recent written revelations.
Before its publication Jensen was renowned for his energetic singing and generous donations during Sunday mass.
During his reading, Herman admitted that he regularly ate church hosts with LSD tabs and seemed pleased with himself when he replaced the collection money with bills from Monopoly and vomit. “All lies!” screamed Jensen as he then tried to chew off his own foot.
Quickly returning to his memoirs, he explained how he performed exorcisms in the church parking lot, regretfully recounting one failed instance where he tried to “drive” the demons out of a blind and deaf child resulting in the paralyzing of the boy and the shattering of his windshield.
Fellow churchgoers spoke up Jensen as an outspoken advocate of family values and the sanctity of marriage. In court, Jensen excitedly read an excerpt from his book revealing his numerous extramarital relations with livestock and how he liked to sing “Old McDonald had a farm, oo ah oo ah oh that’s good.”
He is now under investigation for multiple accounts of animal cruelty.
Residents of Fairfield told the press that Jensen was loved and cherished for annually taking the position of mall Santa and the joy he spread to children communitywide and how they were horrified to read about how Jensen would remain in costume hours after the mall closed and kidnap the homeless telling them, “Hop into my sack of toys and come with me to the North Pole!”
This was followed by Jensen tying the bag and beating the victims with a metal pole.
The local adolescents knew Herman as the leader of their high school boosters but were oblivious that it was Jensen who would tar and feather himself and assault students during the high school’s Fairfield “Fighting Chickens” pep rallies.
Herman ended his apparent confession by reading all sixteen pages of the Author’s Note, entirely dedicated to explaining in detail why OJ Simpson’s book If I Did It is “way off,” and “isn’t how it went at all.”
In a sudden state bewilderment around the courtroom, Jensen snapped the book shut, reached for Judge Mayweather’s gavel and proceeded to mangle his own fingers screeching, “ALL ABOARD HA-HA-HA!!!!”
At the conclusion of Jensen’s tirade, Mayweather came to his decision. “I will hear the case. Trial is set for tomorrow at 9 AM.” Jensen looked up from searching for his fingernails with a look of elation.
“And I will consider the death penalty as viable punishment, court is adjourned.” Scholars expect the case to go as high as federal district court.
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