Lonely Man Runs Out Of Lotion

Story by Matt Sueper 

| Published Apr 5, 2011

Much to the dismay of Lincoln native Richard Lowe, the lotion bottle on his desk ran dry yesterday morning at approximately 3:25 AM. That particular bottle of Cetaphil hand lotion was described as Richard’s go-to for some late night hand-dryness.

“I’m really disappointed, to say the least. They don’t make this particular hand lotion anymore, and I relied on it time and time again. It never failed me,” Richard “Dick” Lowe recounted of his beloved moisturizer.

“It had the best consistency and never once made a mess on me. This stuff is just the shit. I don’t even know what I’m going to do on Saturday night now.”

When asked about his tissue supply, Lowe assured us he was fully stocked. He simply didn’t think to check the stash of lotion.

“I guess I’ll just have to shop around for some other lotions. It took me two years to find this stuff,” Lowe said with a single tear running down his cheek. “It’s just really unfair for them to discontinue my favorite... lotion like this.”