Local Man Refuses To Poop In Girlfriend’s Apartment

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Mar 9, 2010

Visibly uncomfortable Lincoln native, Elliott McCellen, 24, told reporters Sunday that he may now be in dire need of a colonoscopy.

Currently suffering from the effects of extreme fecal compaction, McCellen credits the consumption of an entire D’Leon’s Chorizo Special Burrito and the confirmed twelve hours spent at girlfriend Cynthia Mackenzie’s apartment, as the sources of his pain.

“It’s pretty common knowledge that D’Leon’s will eventually destroy you from the inside out,” admits McCellen, “but I was under the assumption that this was going to be a two hour visit, tops.”

Four hours later, and halfway through "Memento," McCellen claimed he comprehended the full magnitude of his mistake. He had committed himself to a place where very few practices were considered more taboo than pooping.

After having only been dating for three weeks, McCellen felt he had not yet reached the stage in his relationship with Mackenzie that even entitled him to mere confirmation of the need for the occasional bowel movement, and was at least a solid four months away from being able to completely destroy her bathroom.

The experience still haunts McCellen.

“Do you know what it what it feels like to be forced to play three games of Scrabble while your insides seethe with the most caustic Mexican food in Lincoln?” He asked reporters, pausing for a full two minutes until he was finally answered with a collective shaking of heads. “Well it blows, guys. It really, really blows.”

When asked for further comment, McCellen says that in two months he plans to passive-aggressively obtain vengeance by leaving Mackenzie’s toilet seat up at every available opportunity.