Local Bitch Dumps DailyER Nebraskan Writer

Story by Matt Sueper 

| Published Feb 14, 2012

Just yesterday, local bitch and all-around shitty human being Sarah Parker dumped a writer for this very own satire rag. The writer, for his own protection, will remain nameless, but that whore ex-girlfriend of his, Sarah Parker, will surely be made known to the public.

Sarah reportedly said that she was happy to be with this anonymous writer, especially after that last douchebag boyfriend she had. Ironically, she ended up leaving the writer for the very same asshole boyfriend on the day before Valentine’s Day.

The writer’s ex-girlfriend also said that what they had was special and couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else. Apparently the douchebag ex-boyfriend was the exception. Parker did not seem to take her own fickleness into account when making these empty gestures to the poor DailyER writer.

The writer said he does not harbor much resentment toward the god-awful harlot that heartlessly dumped him on the eve of the most romantic day of the year, and said he also hopes that she has a wonderful evening with the douchiest man alive. He said he also hopes that that is just a rash that happened to appear after she got back together with her new boyfriend that has slept with basically any chick with standards low enough to get into bed with him.

He said he is doing quite fine on his own, thanks for asking, Sarah. I love eating the twenty dollar Valentine’s Day gift by myself with a bottle of whiskey. It is exactly how I imagined this wonderful night. Really.

You are a shitty person. Did I mention that? I’m glad you are with that douchebag, John. He sucks.

I hated “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” by the way.