Local Bacteria Has Awkward Morning-After With Self

Story by Christina Mayer 

| Published Feb 23, 2010

Erwinia amylovora, a bacterial pest currently blighting your neighbor’s apple tree, experienced a painfully awkward morning-after with a perfect copy of itself. Though typically a smooth-swimming individual, Erwinia found itself thrown off-kilter by the unexplained presence of another identical self.

“Well, I came to this morning and there was this new copy sitting right there,” said Erwinia. "I was like, 'What kind of organic material did the other 827,463 copies of myself convince me to metabolically process last night?' I sure as hell don’t remember any of it. One of me must have found some damn fine carbon-based substances, that’s all I can say.”

The irate new Erwinia was found gliding around a neighboring pear tree.

“Yeah,” it said, “I finished up and then I just sort of powered down for the night. And I was like, 'Hello? I’m still here.' I stayed anyway because I thought I could really like me, but then I woke up and didn’t remember me or the fission! I did try to hit on me, though. As if. All I can say is that I’m a real jerk.”

Erwinia dismissed its accusations, taking the tack that "I don't need to remember me to have a good time, do I? And I sure don’t mind a good binary fission now and again, if you know what I mean…. I was hot, that’s for sure. I don’t remember seeing a me that attractive before.”

The newest Erwinia was not impressed by this sentiment.

“I hope I turn into an STI,” it said. “Screw me.”