Lickety Split Sex Column - Things Have Felt A Lot Like Christmas Around Camp Herman Lately

Story by John Herman 

| Published Nov 17, 2009

Maybe it’s because Fred Claus has been on HBO a lot this week, or because Carlos O’Kelly’s has been running commercials advertising holiday gift cards since mid-October. Who ever needed a good sense of timing to provide the masses with subpar Mexican cuisine, anyway? Now, to the inbox (johnsexhermansexual@gmail.com)!

Dear John,
Have you tried out those new Trojan Ecstasies? I’m curious.
-Mark

Mark: If Trojan really had your best interests at heart, they would have introduced the male birth control pill by now. Don’t be fooled by Trojan Ecstasy; they are still encouraging latex to be an integral component of your coitus. I’ve found that keeping a supply of female condoms within arm’s reach at all times is helpful, despite the absence of a way for a female to endow her vagina with a female condom in a sexy manner. The fate of the “Wrap-That-Vaj” movement may very well rest in your hands, Mark.

Dearest John,
I’ve recently begun shopping for the perfect holiday gift for my man. What would you suggest?
Love,
Ashley

Ashley: Try not to over think this one. If you’re serious about pleasing your special someone, an LED TV, Playstation 3, or a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 will make a good impression, but it certainly shouldn’t stop there. The Holiday Season is a special time, a time for outside the box thinking. Think outside of your box, as in, shave your man’s initials into your pubis or get that edgy vaginal piercing you’ve been pining for. Sometimes, treating yourself is treat enough for both parties.

John-
I feel like losing some weight would really open up my prospects as far as the opposite sex goes. I’m pretty fucking fat. In your experience, have found that women prefer a more slender Herman?
-Joe

Joe: Disrobe and stand before a mirror. Stare yourself in the face and see if you find yourself becoming aroused. Talk to yourself. Ask yourself, “Hey, guy, what are your plans tonight?” If you respond with “That all depends; what’s that penis of yours planning on doing tonight?,” there is no need for you to lose a single pound. I am by no means a slender bloke. Rather, I maintain a build with an emphasis on evenly distributed bulk. Heftiness has its perks. Do you think skinny men can begin a sexual conquest by jackknife-powerbombing the lady onto the mattress?


Dear John,
I find that the advice I’ve received from the Daily Nebraskan’s Sex Scrawls has benefitted me much more than your bi-weekly Lickety Split gospel. Do you ever find yourself utilizing the advice of the much more informative Sex Scrawls?
-Alexa

Alexa: Clearly, you’re not a part of my core demographic. Perhaps I’d be interested in the best spots to get railed on campus if I hadn’t already railed and been railed in more bizarre campus settings than you could fathom. You want advice on how to make the most of single life, Alexa? You want Lickety Split to empower you? Why don’t you meet me on the corner of 1st and Herman later tonight and I’ll show you a thing or two about empowerment. You haven’t by chance heard about this foot-job craze, have you?