Lickety Split Sex Column - Thanksgiving Questions Answered

Story by John Herman 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

As the weight of Thanksgiving leftovers stews in my midsection, I know that I have a lot to be thankful for:

1. That Sandra Bullock flick starring Sandra Bullock and the black guy who played Biggie Smalls in Notorious. It’s the touching true story of a homeless, obese youngster whom Miss Bullock plucks off the mean streets and domesticates, before turning the boy into an all-world offensive lineman with a ludicrous NFL signing bonus that she can cash in on. This Thanksgiving, the Herman clan was moved by this story of loss, hope, and Sandra Bullock maintaining sexual allure even in her mid 40s. A must-see.

2. Black Friday at Victoria’s Secret.

3. Tofurkey.

4. The inbox (johnsexhermansexual@gmail.com)!

Dear John,
I’m not sure if you’ve ever addressed this, but what’s your favorite position?
-Sandy

Sandy: I’m not so sure I feel comfortable answering this question. Pretty personal stuff. I like to think that it’s the position that picks me most of the time. I make a lot of decisions based on basic beast-instinct. Most frequently, this instinct leads me straight to an Alabama-Slammer or a Hair-Splitting Squatter, maneuvers reserved largely for gymnasts and people who can swallow swords. Such positions require intense focus and lower body strength, which I have in spades. It’s all about being able to frighten your partner just a little bit. Give yourself that scary movie appeal, because everyone loves that spooky jolt. It’s why they made Saw VI and why they’re going to make Saw VII.

Dear John,

What are your thoughts on Lincoln-area gentlemen’s clubs? What’s the best?

-Anthony

Anthony: It’s all about Shakers in Waverly. I’ve been to a lot of strip joints designed to resemble barns, but what Shakers provides in service, atmosphere, and semi-attractive strippers is unparalleled. It is also, to my knowledge, one of the last places in the Continental United States where you can smoke cigarettes indoors, and there’s really no reason to get a lap dance without a cigarette burning inches away from the woman’s bosom. You have to keep in mind that you are in Waverly, NE, and that at any time one of these strippers could have you human-trafficked. That cigarette burning dangerously close to the lady’s chest may be your last line of defense. Waverly’s a jungle.

Dear John,

When you’re on O Street on Friday or Saturday night, what bars do you frequent? I never see you!

-Leah

Leah: A night out on O Street is always a special treat for me. As of late, I’ve been spending most of my weekends putting the final touches on a book of erotic short stories entitled The Man in That Hole, which I hope to have published and flying off of erotic bookshelves my mid-2010. Consequently, I don’t get downtown much, but when I do, I don’t stray far from The Bar. The Bar’s men fear me and its women just don’t know what to think of me. I’m like a non-Asian Genghis Kahn with better facial hair and more direct pick up lines. “Let’s ditch this place and I’ll pummel your body with sex,” or “I will electrify your crotch with my mind,” have both proven successful.