Lickety Split Sex Column - Halloween Was A Wet One For This Columnist

Story by John Herman 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

Halloween was a wet one for this columnist. Those slacks will never wear the same. Back to the inbox (johnsexhermansexual@gmail.com):

Dear John,
What can I do to protect my partner and me from the onslaught of swine flu?
-Aaron

Aaron : Swine flu is for the pigs. Don’t let the media’s tall tales of high fevers and tummy aches fool you. You and your partner are in the clear, provided that you both wear airborne disease-proof mouth masks in the bedroom. Use this as an opportunity to make oral sex that much more interesting. Hell, pretend you’re a doctor.

Dear John,
I can’t take this anymore. Can we arrange a meet?
Yours,
Sheila

Sheila: At 11:45 a.m. tomorrow, approach the Imperial Palace Express in the Student Union. Order the Kung Pao Tofu Platter, none of that to-go nonsense. Bring the platter to the men’s restroom on the Union’s second floor. Set it down on the floor of the handicapped stall. Leave. Return to that very same stall in approximately two hours. I’ll be waiting.

John-
Is it okay for me to fake orgasms? I think my boyfriend is really into it.
-Alexa

Alexa: There is no shame in faking an orgasm. Any man with his heart in the right place will tell you that a noisy woman brings out the Pontiac Game Changing Performance inside of all of us. There’s nothing more encouraging than a coo, a yelp, or a full on, seizure-like howl. In 2009, sex with an animal is still considered “taboo,” or “immoral,” but sex with a human animal is as acceptable as ever.

John,
Have you ever had an STD?
Sincerely,
We can knock boots if you answer this correctly.


We can knock boots if you answer this correctly: I like the sound of that. But keep in mind that I call the shots, and that I really don’t believe in sexually transmitted disease. When Christopher Columbus and other white men brought sexually transmitted disease to the New World, people got pretty uptight, and it’s been like that ever since. For me, if I can’t smell it, it’s no disease. Disease is in the nose of the beholder.

John-
I find your column offensive and completely uninformative. Why don’t you fuck off?
-Todd

Todd: Lickety Split is intended to neither offend nor inform, but to stimulate the human soul and body however my readers see fit. You, Todd, should fuck off. John Herman is no informer, and certainly no offender. No—John Herman is a registered Sex Defender. Fuck off, Todd.