Lickety Split Sex Column: Burning Questions Answered

Story by John Herman 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

It would seem that the debut of Lickety-Split went over well. Last week, my inbox (johnsexhermansexual@gmail.com) bulged with kind words and inquiries from readers anxious to probe my noodle for additional advice and perspective. I feel like it’s important for me to answer a few of those emails in this week’s column.

Dear John,
When shaving my naughty parts, should I shave with or against the grain?
-Patricia

Patricia—Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Begin by lathering your base with a rich moisturizer. Cetaphil or Cocoa Butter should suffice. Your skin will be less prone to gashes and dryness. Tackle the initial trimming with a small pair of scissors, eliminating curly-q’s and rogue strands. Equip yourself with a higher-end shaving cream to avoid barbershop-crotch; Barbosol and Colgate will only soak the region in the musk of Sunday church-grandpas. And to answer your question—shave with the grain, Patricia. The only thing worse than pubic hair is ingrown pubic hair.

Dear John,
Your headshot leads me to believe that you maintain a muscular build. How do you stay in shape?
Best,
Sonya

Sonya—Good observation; I am an imposing specimen. The truth is, my workout routine is rather erratic. Yesterday, I cranked the furnace to around 90 degrees and skipped rope naked in my living room for several hours. The day before that, it was four neighborhood blocks of jumping jacks with 30-pound dumbbells Duck Taped to my shins. Just this morning, I took a shower in the headstand position, stimulating the pectoral region and cleansing my loins simultaneously. Unconventional? Maybe. But glimpse the results, Sonya. Look what I’ve done to myself.

Dear John,
I’m pretty sure that my girlfriend is growing bored of my performance in the sack. What should I do?
-Peter

Peter—When I was eight years old, my father told me that “There are performers and there are fucking showstoppers who leave thighs in a saturated quiver.” Which do you want to be, Peter? My suggestion would be to club a less-attractive friend of hers and then tell her all about it, waging a more psychological war. You may be an inadequate lay, but there’s no reason to acknowledge that. Convince her that it’s the snatch that’s not cutting it, that you and your Peter are a hot commodity.

Dear John,
What’s your favorite movie?
Kisses,
Rose

Rose—The Wizard starring Fred Savage and Hook.

Dear John,
When it comes to pleasing a woman, how would you describe your approach?
-Alex

Alex—Specify whether you’re a man or a woman next time. I approach woman-pleasing the same way that the Nebraska Football team approaches game day—a tunnel walk, complete with an LCD screen highlighting Herman conquests of the past and The Alan Parsons Project tearing through my surround sound speakers, Bose of course. An entrance that resonates is important.