Licket Split Sex Column: Once Again, Herman To The Rescue

Story by John Herman 

| Published Jan 26, 2010

2010 smells like a good one so far. The inbox (johnsexhermansexual@gmail.com) is swollen.

Dear John,
What sort of tunes would you reccomend to get that special lady warmed up (if you know what I mean!)?
-Anthony

Anthony - Of course I know what you mean. I like to keep a thick stack of John Legend LPs within arms reach whenever possible, and I find myself coming back to Bootsy Collins's "Play With Bootsy" at a dangerous frequency. But let's get down to business, Anthony. When I'm an old man, I'll look back on my life with an understanding that everything can be broken down into two chapters: "Before I Heard Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5'" and "After I Heard Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5'." Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita. You won't find a better song about casual rapidfire humping with nearly a dozen women on any other Kidz Bop compilation.

Johnathan-
What are your thoughts on Trojan's Vibrating Touch for women Yay or nay?
-Melissa

Melissa - I say yay--to TEN Trojan Vibrating Touches smothering your filthy mits. Push it to that next level, Melissa. Buzz your drawers with the ten times the force that Trojan intended.

Dear John,
If you could sleep with one girl from Jersey Shore, who would it be?
-Tonya

Tonya - Provided that she promised not to speak, I'd absolutely destroy Snookie's life. If your question weren't so specific, I'd choose to sleep with Vinnie's eyebrows, with Situation's little sister coming in at a close second.

Dear John,
Would you be interested in investing in an independent, feature-length porno film helmed by myself and a couple other Lincoln natives?
-Seth

Seth - I'm always looking to get myself into a lucrative partnership. Not to be a crusher of dreams, but porno is a pretty free commodity nowadays. If I was feeling truly generous, I'd register for a Gold Account on Spankwire.com. I'm sorry, but I can't help you cater to the demographic of heathens sick and twisted enough to pay for pornography. That would make me a hypocrite.