Left-handed Person’s Greatest Accomplishment Remains Left-handedness

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Sep 30, 2008

Despite the fact that James Butler, 51, frequently brags that Isaac Newton was also left-handed, Butler has never held a position of authority, did not get an education past high school and may still be a virgin, sources close to the matter report.

This suggests strongly that Butler’s left-handedness is itself the closest he will ever come to greatness.

“He asks about twice a week if we have special left-handed scissors or other supplies,” said Walgreen’s assistant manager Kara Palo. “He knows we don’t carry any of that stuff, but he likes the opportunity to let us know that he is left handed and to tell us some fun facts about lefties.”

“I don’t think he’s ever bought anything,” Kara added. “I’m not sure he works.”

Butler, who has had to move back in with his mother on several occasions since first entering adulthood, once quizzed neighbor Linda Castro for nearly twenty minutes about famous left-handed people.

“I try to humor him because I feel so terrible for his mother,” Linda said. “But the truth is that if writing with his left hand is giving James Butler an advantage in life, I cringe to think of a right-handed James Butler.”

Sources close to the matter report that Butler supports himself by working temporary jobs when he can get them and has only kissed a single girl, Clarissa Evans, in 11th grade during a fling that ended when Butler realized she wasn’t a true lefty.

She was ambidextrous.

Once it was revealed on CNN that both Sens. Barack Obama and John McCain were left-handed, Butler almost went out of his mind with excitement, reported Butler’s mother, Vern Butler, 74.

Vern said that her son started wearing a suit he bought from the Goodwill with his allowance and then started practicing speaking in front of the mirror. “It would have been kind of cute if it wasn’t so very, very tragic,” she said.

“The saddest thing of all is how poorly and slowly he writes, almost as if he’s not even a real lefty,” Vern said.

At press time, James had over 300 pieces of left-handed pride accessories, including more than a dozen “I’m With Lefty” t-shirts, several mouse pads and a trucker’s hat.