Learned Man Pronounces ‘learned’ Like A Bitch

Story by Michael Todd 

| Published Oct 6, 2009

For all the kiss-ass accolades he’s received over the years, HG Farnsworth now walks the earth as an utter imbecile.

An official statement issued Monday from Mensa International confirmed speculation in the pompous dick community that, during a heated croquet match Saturday, Farnsworth had pronounced learned as learn-ed, or, in plainer terms, "like a bitch." With yet another worthless book of God knows what on the way, a loss of respect among his peers is sure to threaten Farnsworth’s reign atop the New York Times’ “Most Stuck-up Sellers List.”

In the statement, newly crowned Mensa President James Woods wrote: “We are ashamed to admit that claims pinning Mr. Farnsworth with fraud of the English language are incontrovertibly true. He knew that talking like a bitch was punishable up to 500 experience points in ‘Dungeons & Dragons,’ so we feel no regret in reprimanding a brother.

“Considering the offense, though, we opted for a harsher sentence: In addition to losing 500 XP, Farnsworth is barred from all Mensa meetings. Only on the occasion that he brings more of his mom’s incredible baked goods will he be allowed to return.”

A Fairbury, Neb.-native, Farnsworth has long been the mouthpiece of the irrelevant Midwest. Friend and fellow Nebraskan Harvey Perlman, who serves as chancellor of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, expressed his distaste at the gaffe and its consequences.

“Truth be told, it really sets us back as midwesterners: We might as well break out some covered wagons, buy some oxen and ford rivers and shit," Perlman said. "Historically, it would have been acceptable to throw out archaic phrasings and pronunciations like that: Hell, Hector and I spoke strictly in Old English from the time we matured beyond mere country bumpkins. But nowadays, you can’t just ask, ‘Wherefore art thou a bitch?’ and expect people to respond accordingly.”

When reached for questioning, many have said they’ve broken ties with Farnsworth. Sources inside his inner circle said they feel like “coagulated fecal liquid” to even be associated with Farnsworth. His wife Antonia has supposedly stopped “expounding on the vagaries of existentialism and fruity beers” with him. And Farnsworth’s favorite place to inform patrons on the reconceptualization of disillusionment – the Denny’s at 3436 State St. – no longer serves “assholes like that bitch,” restaurant manager Pete Starr said.

Still, Farnsworth deserves to hold onto his last vestiges of self-respect, Mensa President Woods wrote, if only because he avoided making more of an ass out of himself.

“While it will take years to recover from this blow to our credibility, Mensa gives some credit to Farnsworth for not deeming himself a ‘learnt man.’ Something like that would have spelled dunzo for us. D-U-N-Z-O, dunzo.”