Lazy Patriot Hoping Flags Are At Half-Staff Today

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

Local patriot and couch potato Roger Schmidt spent several moments this morning wishing an unforeseen holiday or disaster would mean he would only have to raise his American flag half way up his flagpole, sources are reporting. The married father of three is said to love his country a great deal, which he shows whenever it doesn’t require him to get up early or skip any meals.

Schmidt said his 20-foot flagpole was a “huge mistake” that he bought shortly after 9/11, when he was “punch-drunk with patriotism.” He went on to cite the relative ease and comparable patriotism of holders of house-mounted flags as a more reasonable response to a national tragedy.

In addition, Schmidt said he was unaware of the work that would be required of the flagpole.

“During that first month after 9/11, the flags were at half-staff every day. My 20-foot flagpole felt like a 10-foot flagpole. It was really the high point of my patriotism,” Schmidt said. At the time, he noted that even unnecessarily drawn-out renditions of the national anthem and voting in elections didn’t seem that uncomfortable.

However, when the flag was returned to full-staff, Schmidt began to have second doubts about the level of commitment required. “I started looking up all the rules about flags online, hoping there was a clause about not flying it in the rain or too often or something,” Schmidt said. He claims the rules on flags are even more of a hassle than normal flags, so he didn’t want to bother.

A short reprieve in his flag-flying career came in 2004 after the death of Ronald Reagan, which mandated flying the flags at half-staff for 40 days. Anymore, reports indicate that Schmidt puts off raising his flag as long as possible each morning, sometimes getting up early to check the TV for any catastrophes that might have happened overnight.

When asked why he doesn’t simply remove the flagpole, Schmidt said, “It would be highly unpatriotic.” He added, “Also, it would take at least an afternoon of manual labor.”