Lamestreamers, A Concern | Larry Goodwell

Story by Larry Goodwell 

| Published Mar 15, 2011

If you happen to be a fan of Kesha, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, or Taylor Swift, hasten to the nearest pile of sand and bury your head in it. On second thought, keep reading. You will hate this, but fuck off. I understand we all have to respect each other’s opinions, but when your entire music library of about 2000 songs or so can be mashed together and sound like a decent party mix, there is something wrong with you.

Many place the blame on the radio, but to me, it comes down to the listener. Radios can be turned off. I wish I could say the same for the susceptible sa-rawr-ity girls. If you dare to believe that Kesha is making fun of herself, then I dare to think you are full of shit. And, unfortunately, I have heard this argument. If you believe that Kesha is EVER portraying her true self and, god forbid, you like it, then you are fucking stupid. She is a parody of herself set up by record execs. They turn the fake aspirations of young girls into profit. Believe it or not, I have also heard that Kesha is the ultimate hipster. Yeah, that’s a mind fuck, now isn’t it?

Still not convinced? Well, honestly I don’t give a shit, but I will continue. I was at a party recently and some randoms showed up. That is fine and all, but the first thing the collective shit group did was send one guy over to “DJ” the rest of the party. I’m no authority on party crashing etiquette, but I am pretty sure you don’t take over the radio right away with Lil’ Squeezy or Lil’ Scrappy. As soon as the newcomer’s mp3 player died, I pulled out mine. To the people who were invited, relief filled the air. Soon, a mass of shitty comments flooded from the corner of the room from the dolled up lamestream queens. “Who is this? Like, who the fuck are we listening to?” and so on and so forth. I leave for one second to take a piss and come back to hear the only hip hop song on my ipod on loop, J-Z’s “99 problems.” Typical hipster iPod, I guess, but what can you expect from a population of people who have never heard about btjunkie?

I know most people already put this story down because this is self-affirming hipster bullshit. And I know that I can’t change the opinions of people who are merely excited to have friends because they hate themselves inside. However, I do believe this transcends hipsters as well. This is about anybody who is tired of shitty music. To tell the truth, none of this matters. All of our faces are going to melt off, and our children are going to weep over our exploded bodies.