Kwanzaa Canceled

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

In a long-expected move, Ron Karenga announced Sunday that the holiday he had created, Kwanzaa, was to be immediately canceled for the 2009 season.

“While I realize this may come as a bit of a shock to some of you, please allow me to stress that this cancellation is currently only for 2009. We expect to be back in full force next year.”

2008 had been the worst year in recent memory for the yuletide holiday. Economists had long been predicting the announcement, citing last year’s stunning public relations campaign failure, “Kwanzaa Claus,” as a significant factor in the decision.

University of Nebraska freshman Kyle Florence, longtime Kwanzaa practitioner, was saddened but not altogether surprised by the announcement. After removing his dashiki, a traditional African garment worn during holiday festivities, Florence reported, “Yeah. Heard about that. It’s a shame, you know? But I guess I saw it coming, what with the economy and all. But it hurts, man.” He walked away slowly, dragging the dashiki behind him.

Kwanzaa, created in 1966 as an “alternative holiday” and a celebration of African-American history, quickly became one of the premier holidays celebrated by Americans. The holiday swiftly established itself in elementary school holiday programs and swiftly went mainstream due to fears of perceived racism. In recent years, however, the holiday has declined in popularity.

Many Americans have begun to dismiss Kwanzaa as a show of political correctness. A poll of 50 people waiting in line to get a picture with a mall Santa Claus showed that while 44 people were familiar with the holiday, only 4 had a positive view of it.

White trash mother Meredith Earnwell was among those surveyed. “Kwanzaa? Ain’t that one of those things that my taxes are going to now that Obama’s in office? It’s all a big joke, ya know?" she said before smacking one of her children for crying.

Instead of acknowledging the economic and awareness hardships the holiday has encountered, Karenga decided instead to take a different path.

“I’ve been thinking it over, and I realize that it’s not Christmas that’s our competition. Instead, it’s Hanukkah that did this to us. Candles are a big part of Kwanzaa, but our ceremony simply can’t stand up to the big candle-holder the Jews have. Next year, this will all change.

“And I speak from the bottom of my heart when I say that we’ll pull through this together. I hope. I mean, right?”