Joaquin Phoenix Forgoes Budding Rap Career, Decides To Become Unicorn Instead

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Sep 8, 2009

Joaquin Phoenix, 35, has officially declared that he has decided to cut his promising rap career short in pursuit of a far more suitable livelihood.

“I’m a unicorn!” the actor-turned-rapper-turned-mythical beast declared upon emerging from his New York apartment complex Monday morning.

Shortly thereafter, eye-witnesses reported seeing Phoenix galloping naked through Central Park whilst occasionally attempting to gore approaching pedestrians with his horn. Fortunately, no serious damage was inflicted upon Phoenix’s would-be victims, as said horn appeared to have been crafted from papier-mâché and copious amounts of glitter.

Without the help of Ignatius J. Ashby, a passing cryptozoologist, and Mollie Duncan, a local cat enthusiast and virgin, authorities doubted that they would have caught the fierce and easily-agitated Phoenix without inflicting lasting damage upon the man/steed. After using Duncan as bait, they lured the undoubtedly terrified Phoenix into an open meadow. Rather than attempt to eviscerate Duncan as he had with countless others, Phoenix tentatively trotted to her side and eyed her appraisingly.

“Wikipedia tells us that unicorns are drawn to purity and chastity” Ashby had explained while witnesses watched the scene unfold. “That’s why Ms. Duncan is perfectly safe. There is little doubt in my mind that no one has ever, ever attempted to tap that.”

Eyewitnesses reported that after several moments of casual small talk, Phoenix then proceeded to lay his head in her lap as she soothed him with clever anecdotes concerning Winthorpe, her “lovable, yet mischievous tabby.”

Ashby, later claiming that this was the only window of opportunity that would ever present itself, had then leapt into action. Ensnaring the now placated Phoenix by looping a golden bridle around his head (which any self-respecting cryptozoologist knows is the only way to capture a unicorn), Ashby successfully ensured that no further harm would come to the former actor or those within a ten mile vicinity.

“Unicorns are notoriously tricky beasts.” reported Ashby, still visibly shaken from the ordeal, though feeling brave enough to give Phoenix’s nose an affectionate rub. “And I’ll be monkey’s uncle if this ‘ol boy wasn’t the wiliest one I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Reporters that attempted to further glean insight from the now-restrained Phoenix were met with increasingly frantic strings of neighs, whinnies, and agitated foot-stomping.

“You’re frightening him!” Duncan exclaimed, terminating any further attempts of communication by shielding Phoenix’s naked, shivering body with her Member’s Only jacket.

Reports claim that Duncan remained by Phoenix’s side, feeding him flower petals and braiding his mane until Casey Affleck arrive upon to the scene to “take this noble steed home.”

Many fans recalling Phoenix’s Oscar-worthy nominations for roles in films such as Gladiator and Walk the Line have expressed their doubts of the authenticity of the man’s recent behavior, claiming that Phoenix is no stranger to method acting.

Affleck, a close friend and confidant, claims otherwise.

“I know Joaq, and I know that he’s serious about this.” Affleck told reporters. “There is a fire burning behind those eyes that definitely wasn’t there before. I think he’s finally realized his true purpose in life—a purpose that doesn’t include movie sets, concert venues, fences, or pants. He doesn’t expect you camera-wielding harpies to begin to understand that.”

Phoenix, who now insists on being called by his true name, Chrysanthemum, was unavailable for further comment as he was off somewhere purifying water and impaling the wicked.