JK Rowling Personally Bails Out Ireland

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Dec 7, 2010

Ireland, in dire financial straits following the complete collapse of its monetary system, announced late Monday that they were no longer in need of a controversial European Union bailout.

Instead, famed British author of the “Harry Potter” series JK Rowling will personally bankroll the government until they “are able to conjure up some galleons,” according to Rowling.

A special EU council designed to tackle the problem met with Rowling early Monday morning. Council member David Atkins describes the meeting.

“She entered the room slowly, her black robes trailing on the floor and her pointed hat touching the top of the door frame,” Adkins said. “She smiled widely and started muttering nonsense words.”

After drawing a birch rod from somewhere in her robes, she proceeded to “cast spells of protection, luck and happiness.”

“These people need my help. They need to be protected from the dark forces. And, given that we can’t simply use elementary magic to rid the nation of this problem,” said Rowling, “It requires the deft touch of a master. Like me! Wheeeee!”

After several tense minutes, in which every council member was poked, prodded and checked for skull tattoos, Rowling sat down.

“She pulled out her check book seemingly from nowhere, wrote a blank check to the Irish government and then clapped her hands manically,” Adkins said.

Rowling reportedly then pulled out a handful of glitter, threw it in the air and sprinted through the door into the morning fog. She hasn’t been seen in several hours.

When asked for comment, Rowling’s U.S. publisher, Scholastic, declined comment, saying only: “That’s just Jo for you.”