Jesus Pissed His Birthday So Close To Christmas

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

The holiday season has been anything but festive for revered spiritual icon Jesus Christ. This year, the noted miracle worker felt spurned once again by his birthday's falling on Christmas Day.

"Every year, it's like people totally space that it's my birthday," muttered a flushed Son of God, his breath reminiscent of a monastery cellar or a gaggle of bored housewives. "I work hard, spread goodwill all over the place, bless motherfuckers left and right. All I want is one day out of the 365 that's all about me. That's not too much to ask, right?"

Although Jesus has long endorsed Christmas' focus on generosity, family and temporary forgiveness for past transgressions, the holiday's constant overshadowing of his birthday has left him bitter and resentful.

"Man, not a damn thing is open on Christmas Day, save for Wal-Mart and IHOP," ranted the Christian Messiah, who turns 2042 this year. "You really want to have a birthday dinner at IHOP on Christmas, man? Nothing but pissed off cooks and hollow-eyed waitresses, all looking like they're one person ordering gingerbread pancakes away from chowing down on a .45, double-action combo platter? Real fuckin' cheery."

"International House of Pancakes. I-H-O-P," Jesus added. "I just now got that. Well, fuck me runnin'."

Like many others in his position, Jesus said he's used to the pitfalls of being a Christmas-birthday sufferer. Because the United States Postal Service ceases operations for the holiday, "birthday cards are right the hell out of the picture." Additionally, would-be well-wishers hoping to combine the two celebrations tend to give only one present, which is usually wrapped in red or green paper.

"That whole 'joint gift' thing people try and pull is a load of camel shit," hiccuped the Prince of Peace. "I only let that fly once: Three Wise Men. So, unless you got some rare oils or precious metals in that box covered in snowman paper, I ain't interested."

Jesus elaborated further on his distaste for the sly, two-for one maneuver, stating he refused to smile graciously at perpetrators of present-combining gambits. Instead, he said the only response those people could expect was, "Lo, for unto you is born this day my foot in your ass."

The gift-giving dilemena is compounded by the fact Jesus is notoriously hard to shop for, according to friends and family.

"I am the way, the truth and the life, bitches — what else does a guy need?" asked Jesus as his palm slid gradually up his face, eventually sticking to his forehead. "I can turn the cold pizza in my fridge into a full-on Valentino's buffet by waving my hands around.

"Don't even have to wave 'em, really, I just do. 'Cuz then people are all, 'Aw, shit ... What's Jesus doin' now?'"

Much of the savior of mankind's animosity toward the holiday goes back some 17 centuries. Although Jesus was actually born in June, a 336 B.C. decree by Emperor Constantine moved both Christmas and his birthday to December 25.

"Moving Christmas, yeah, I get that — but moving my birthday, too? That was kind of a dick move," asserted Jesus, having grown visibly more intoxicated since the start of the interview. "Naturally, I didn't say nothin'. I mean, you tell a Roman emperor that you think he made a bad call, and suddenly you're trying to convince some lion you're loaded with trans fats and kick worse than week-old Taco Bell, you follow me?"

Jesus' issues with Constantine's calendar shuffling continue to this day. The holiday rearranging effectively stifles any attempt to organize a decent birthday party, Jesus wept, as "the only people around are all the jerk-offs I went to high school with, back in town to see their families."

Jesus quickly regained his composure, asking the outburst be stricken from the record or, at the very least, that he be interviewed by three other reporters so each one could give their own slightly different account of the event.

"Sorry, sorry," mumbled the Lamb of God. "Been drinkin' a little. Course, I may as well turn on my shower with a corkscrew if you know what I'm sayin', but there ya go ... I'm thinking we're done here, anyway.

"Oh, but be sure to mention the next person who chortles 'Merry Birthday!' is getting smote right in the mouth."