Jay Cutler Tears Sad Muscle

Story by Christina Mayer 

| Published Feb 1, 2011

The Chicago Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler was benched in the playoff game versus the Green Bay Packers last week, though it was not initially clear why he was being kept off the field. After extensive medical tests, it has been determined that Cutler tore his lower right sad muscle.

The injury, which occurred on a sack by Packers cornerback Sam Shields, is usually a season ending-one. Bears’ linebacker Brian Urlacher explained the impact of the injury.

“It’s pretty fuckin’ shitty. It just sort of sucks all the happy out of you, and then suddenly you’re sitting on the sideline and you’re, like, fuck. I just want to curl up with a kitten and kiss its little fucking head and maybe feed it milk out of my cupped palms. It’s pretty much impossible to play through.”

“Jay is a tough guy,” he went on, absently caressing the fur on his parka. “And I won’t have anybody say different.”

Medical experts have confirmed the myriad difficulties caused by the injury, including bouts of severe depression and a tendency to lose divisional championship games.

Cutler has been unavailable for comment since his injury, though Bears’ head coach Lovie Smith insists that “[Cutler] is not sitting on his couch with tissues and a tub of ice cream watching Gilmore Girls reruns. If anything, he’s watching Mythbusters. That’s way more manly, and Jay is a manly guy. He likes to blow things up and things in his spare time, I’m sure.”

As of press time, it was unclear how long Cutler could be affected by the sad muscle tear. Smith expressed confidence that he would be able to play next season, though he made no promises.

“I don’t want to say anything definite about Jay’s condidtion,” he told reporters on Monday. “We would sure like to have him back, but this is the sort of injury that might cause him to consider suicide, or lobby to sign with the Dolphins or something. He just needs time to heal. And all the fans, or at least the ones who didn’t see how well [backup quarterback Caleb] Hanie played, want Jay Cutler back next season.”

“The fact that he has three years left on his contract has nothing to do with my confidence,” Lovie added. “Seriously.”