It’s Been Three Days, Are You Ever Going To Change Those Pants? | By Your Stalker

Story by Catherine Larsen 

| Published Jan 17, 2012

Listen, I love you. I care about you. If I didn’t, would I spend hours waiting in the bushes outside of your apartment building just to get a glimpse of your face? Would I have bought an extremely expensive pair of night vision binoculars solely for the purpose of looking through your window while you make dinner? Would I pretend to be a non-traditional student in your Thursday physics night class so that I could be in your lab group? I don’t think so.

That being said, we really need to talk. It’s about the pants. I know you don’t think anybody will notice. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, and laundry just seems like too much. Believe me, I sympathize with you. But as your number one fan, I have to ask: will you please, please, please change those pants?

The huge Sriracha stain on the left knee from when you dropped the bottle at Noodles and Co.? I see it. The mud caked on the bottom cuffs from when you stepped out of your car yesterday when it was raining? I was sure that you would throw those pants in the laundry basket after that happened. But no, this morning, when I saw you leaving for school, there they were. The same goddamn pants.

Really, I just don’t understand how a reasonable person could continue to wear them. And I know you’re a reasonable person. So come on, just grab some other ones. I’ve never had the pleasure of being in your closet, but I’m guessing you have some other pants in there. It doesn’t matter if they’re not as cute. I’ll always think you’re cute.

I’ve seriously considered ending my relationship with you over this pants issue. When I first began observing you, you seemed like such a classy, intelligent, beautiful lady. But when I saw you splash soapy dish water all over the front of those pants, and then continue to wear them for the rest of the day, my love for you was shaken.

And if your stalker can’t love you, who can?