Irritated Boyfriend Ends Tense Two-Hour Standoff Between Local Woman, Spider

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

Disaster was narrowly averted earlier this afternoon when local hero Bradley Rivers braved a 20-minute drive and three flights of stairs to squash the half-inch house spider terrorizing his girlfriend, Leeana Jameson. The traumatized woman reportedly engaged in a nerve-racking two-hour battle of wits with the devious arachnid, which mostly entailed her scuttling to a different corner of the apartment whenever the spider got close.

Rivers first became aware of his girlfriend's plight while browsing Facebook during his lunch break at a local advertising agency. Between 12:15 and 12:18 p.m., Jamesom changed her status no less than four times, declaring "Leeana Jameson thinks there's a spider dangling in front of her face. too scared to check," "Leeana Jameson just glanced over. humongous spider. HELP!" "Leeana Jameson ewww ewww go away eww!!!" and "Leeana Jameson OH GOD ITS ON THE KEYBOARD" (sent from a mobile phone).

Before being forced to flee for her life, Jameson attempted to use Facebook chat to contact three neighbors, her brother and five friends who sort of lived in the area, beseeching each to come to her rescue. As of 12:18, not a single person contacted could take Jameson seriously.

Following her failed Facebook chat gambit, Jameson found herself too paralyzed with fear to seek further help. Her captor reportedly broke her spirit with a series of psychological tortures, including scurrying about her computer monitor, swaying back and forth on his silk lifeline and basically doing all the mundane shit spiders do on a daily basis.

According to Jameson, the highly venomous arachnid held her hostage by merit of two fangs the size of letter openers and eight detached, unblinking eyes that pierced the very core of her being. Additionally, she claims her assailant demanded her "immortal soul, mushed into sticky pulp and served warm over a chilled platter of seething, incomprehensible agony."

However, the spider's 300-plus relatives living under the floorboards insisted their fallen family member's only request throughout the incident was that Jameson "Back away from the Kleenex box. For real, lady ... not even joking."

Other eight-eyedwitnesses claim the now deceased spider posed no threat to Jameson.
"The only way he could have hurt her is if he bit her hand after she'd been outside in sub-zero temperatures without gloves," said one seething relative who vowed revenge. "Or maybe by chomping down on a bite mark left by a larger animal actually capable of breaking the skin. I am so crawling down that bitch's throat when she's asleep."

Jameson's next daring plan — calling her boyfriend — seemed impossible.

"Brad was at work, and I didn't want to bother him," said a subdued Jameson, wrapped in a foil emergency blanket, her hands quaking violently as she recounted the tale. "Plus, his office is all the way downtown. I'd have been dead before he got halfway."

However, at approximately 1:45 p.m., she finally mustered the courage to try. Though her frantic pleas were initially ignored by Rivers, Jameson's hysterics, as well as her sudden embracing of the metric system to make the spider sound bigger and more imposing, finally convinced her boyfriend to leave work, drive all the way home and smash the spider with a rolled up magazine.

After receiving a duly earned hug and peck on the cheek, Rivers left the apartment and returned to his office. However, the ordeal still haunts Jameson, almost as much as it pisses Rivers right the hell off.

"I'd feel completely safe being operated on by a female surgeon. I have no problem seeking legal counsel from a woman with a law degree," stated a visibly irked Rivers. "All I'm saying is: Ladies, please ... kill your own fucking spiders."