In Areas Of Low Census Return, Thousands Found Inexplicably Dead

Story by Jacob Zlomke 

| Published Apr 27, 2010

As the Census Bureau begins its registry of Americans, forms are being returned by citizens in uncharacteristically low numbers, especially in areas such as Williamsburg, New York; Brickell, Florida; and Honolulu, Hawaii. However, upon further investigation by Census Bureau officials, assumed registrant apathy has actually turned out to be thousands upon thousands of American citizens dead or missing, all seemingly without reason.

Ian Freeman, head of the investigation, said he sent separate teams to areas of low census return, and each team reported back the same thing — every house, every yard, cars, streets, sometimes even public buildings, had piles and piles of corpses.

“At first, it seemed like people in these areas were lazy, or didn’t understand the overwhelming importance of counting each other,” Freeman said, “but it makes much more sense to us now that these people just aren’t alive anymore. Also, it makes our job a lot easier.”

Justin Waldeck, head of the team that investigated Honolulu, said it at first appeared to be an isolated incident.

“We did not think it was really that big of a deal. Sure, hundreds of thousands of people were dead for what seemed to be no reason, but we had our answer — and that answer, best of all, wasn’t that Americans were becoming apathetic to the census,” Waldeck said. “When we found out people all over the country were dead, it was fantastic news for us.”

Dead citizens of several cities could not be reached for comment, but experts speculate that the reason they died is not important, and neither is the disposal of an approximate 850,000 bodies, nor are the devastated family members. What is important, experts say, is that these people aren’t neglecting their duty as American citizens, they are just dead.