Impotent Things, Part 1

Story by John Herman 

| Published Mar 9, 2010

I knew something was wrong when Dr. Lucas asked that I come back to Omaha and speak with him in person. The call came as no surprise, as I, like most men, have a deeply personal relationship with my fertility doctor. It had only been a few days since my annual check-up at UNMC's Sperm Studies Center, but I assumed that Dr. Lucas was making this phone call to work out the details of our upcoming Fantasy Bowling draft party. Not so.

The table sent a chill down my bunsens as I settled in, a far cry from the joyful tingle I had grown so accustomed to over the years. Dr. Lucas entered the room with the results.

"I've got the results," he said, bandying about a thick manila folder. "I'm not sure how I should begin, John."

"Look, Dr. Lucas," I interrupted, choking back a Herman sob. "Just do what you have to do. Do it to me, Dr. Lucas."

Dr. Lucas put on his glasses, and now I knew for certain that his corrective lenses would allow him to read my results to me in only a matter of a seconds.

"John, it should come as no surprise that you've maintained your exceptional sperm count, nor that your sperm count is the highest it's been since 2002. You are as healthy as you've ever been, if not more so.

Your sperm still zip about your testicles with the grace and precision of a fleet of bald eagles. But...I'm afraid...I'm afraid, John...your sperm, on your most recent visit, they just showed no signs of being able to bring it. You're impotent, John. Impotent."

The word struck me with violent force, penetrating the flesh of my soul with astounding penetration.

"Dammit, Jesus!" I bellowed to the heavens, dropping to my knees.

"Come on, John! I thought you'd be able to zero in on how this could be a positive thing for you," Dr. Lucas begged. "This sort of jives with your lifestyle."

"I was supposed to reproduce!" I cried. "At some point. If not, the Herman family name will die with me. And my lousy fucking sperm!"

The room grew quiet, the shriek of ambulances arriving and departing from the ER below filling the void. I put on my pants, kicked Dr. Lucas in the face and left.

I would have to save my sperm myself.