Immigration Raids Chipotle, Finds Angsty White Teens

Story by Grace Mortensen 

| Published Mar 15, 2011

Immigration and Customs Enforcement is beginning to crack down on many restaurants. This past month, ICE officials investigated illegal employment in Chipotle restaurants across the United States. Recently, the government organization that controls illegal immigrant activities, among other things, raided two Chipotle locations in Lincoln.

“I came into work and was just like... ummm, ok, I’m from this hell hole. I’m only working here to get to Los Angeles to become an actress/model and singer,” Emily Bray, a snotty 17-year-old with blond hair and blue eyes, said.

Bray, like other Caucasian teenagers are having their citizenship questioned.

“I bet they were hoping to find some Mexicans or Canadians, you know, people who are here illegally because America is effin’ sweet,” a douchey character named Ryan Burdey said.

In fact, the investigation seems to be finding more teens like Bray and Burdey than the middle-aged, hard working Garcias or Zamoras that they were hoping to find.

“I was just totally flabbergasted,” U.S. Immigrations officer Bill Smith said. “I was really expecting to find some illegal immigrants working at a sort-of-but-not-really-at-all-authentic Mexican restaurant like Chipotle. Oh well, I guess we can always move on to Qdoba.”