I'm Thinking I Can Exploit This Gay Teen Suicide Thing For At Least Another Month By Anderson Cooper

Story by Greg Bright 

| Published Oct 26, 2010

America is a great country.

For those of you still reading, I’m sorry for that first part. I have to say that first to get rid of all those people saying CNN and myself are Anti-American. Now we can get down to what I really want to talk about, gay teen suicide.

I’ve been reporting about this epidemic for about three weeks now, and I’m just wondering how much longer you guys think I can get away with it? I was thinking at least another month, as long as some other major event doesn’t happen that I can exploit even easier.

It’d be great to have another Katrina-like disaster wouldn’t it? Too bad Bush isn’t president anymore. I mean, Katrina got me on the map! All I had to do was yell at some random senator for doing what all politicians do and the people were so angry and frustrated they bought it. Now I’m CNN’s most successful anchor.

Shit, I’m still using Katrina today! Each of those anniversary specials practically doubles my audience, on those days I can even compete with the guys over at Fox News and MSNBC.

I wonder if I could do a big, like, week long 9/11 anniversary too, maybe interview some of the victims families. It may be painful for them, but just think of the ratings!

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, gay teen suicide. So what I was thinking is I would report from high schools all over the country and maybe interview some gay kids. Just to see how being gay in Oregon might be different than being gay in Alabama.

What a great idea, Andy.

God, I am such a genius. You know I’ll get a GLAAD award for that and maybe even another Emmy award. I deserve at least two more Emmys anyway. I’ll call it “Gay in America.” Seriously, just came up with that right now, my brilliance constantly amazes me.

Maybe I could do a report in all 50 states. That would take up 50 nights, which since I only broadcast five nights a week will take up like two full months. Yes!

I mean at first it will be small but as it keeps going, people will start talking, and once again I’ll look like the hero who refused to just live with a problem. I’m thinking it’ll add a good couple hundred thousand avid fans. People will, once again, talk about me as the most underrated journalist in America.

I love when people compliment me. Especially, when they are so right. I mean no one takes a single horrific event and exploits it to the level that I do. I usually even go to the place that it happened.

I never did go to Rutgers where that one kid committed suicide though.

Don’t look at me like that, I had to go on Ellen’s show. You have any idea how much bigger that is? It’s way more important that I go on Ellen’s show and give my opinion on what happened. Everyone loves me when I give my opinion, or when I look heroic.

Oh my God, it’d be great if some gay kid acted like he was going to jump off of a building outside my studio so I could go out there, set up a camera crew and talk him out of it. In fact, hey if you’re reading this and you think you may commit suicide, give me a call and we can set this up. Just make sure you won’t actually jump, that would look bad

Sorry, got off track again, where were we? “Gay in America,” oh yeah. Check it out, I think I’ll start in New York since I’m already here and then who knows? Maybe stay in New England and then head south. Where ever we go just make sure you tune in! You won’t know what it’s like to be “Gay in America” unless you do tune in. It’ll be on Monday-Friday at 10 p.m. ET, don’t miss it!