Ian McKellen To Light Big, Gay, Protest Fire Under America’s Ass

Story by Meagan Jungman 

| Published Dec 1, 2009

Ian Mckellen was detained by Manhattan authorities Sunday evening after the British actor allegedly doused a Bald Eagle with lighter fluid and attempted to set it on fire. Though McKellen’s agent has refused to comment, local law enforcement believes that McKellen’s involvement with the Gay Rights Movement may offer an explanation as to the sudden and seemingly unwarranted attack on the national bird.

As staunch advocate of equal rights for gay and lesbians worldwide, McKellen’s greatest activist achievements have thus far been limited to the UK. Many British citizens still recall the 1991 Proposition 28 protest fiasco and how a livid McKellen, dressed as the Queen of England, had hijacked and bedazzled a double-decker bus with the intention of crashing it into the House of Parliament.

McKellen’s flamboyant acts of rebellion have escalated over the past several years as his Oscar-winning roles have increased his prestige and payroll. In August of last year, eye-witnesses in Los Angels, California recall watching a robed McKellen attempt to burn all traces of homophobia from the land through the use of several, magical incantations and a series of quasi-cryptic, yet surprisingly insightful observations. Four months ago, sources say that the actor claimed that through sheer willpower and what scientists refer to as the X-gene, he would begin to manipulate the magnetic fields of political laws chiefly inspired by religious dogmas and mold them at his own discretion. Though largely unsuccessful in his endeavors, such actions earned McKellen a great deal of admiration within the gay community.

However, specialists now believe that McKellen has forgone such unorthodox methods in favor of the more traditional technique of arson. Coupled with most recent attack on the nation’s national bird, this theory stems from a critical analysis of McKellen’s well-known mantra “I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m going to light a fire under your ass.”