I Finally Litter-Trained My Favorite Niece

Story by Mildred Romero 

| Published Feb 1, 2011

Hello, fellow cat lady friends! I have some exciting news for all of you, but I assume you want to be enthralled by how my year has gone so far. Don’t worry, I don’t mind telling you.

The new year thus far has been fairly uneventful for me. I watered my ChiaPet friends and trimmed their little furry heads, and though Rachel Ray got in a fight with Happy Pol Pot, they’ve since made up and are sharing a windowsill again. My little happy cat lady home has started to settle down from all the wild holiday parties we hosted, and I can assure you that I did not let my mom drive home after drinking all that eggnog. She’s such a party animal. Sometimes I worry that she’s a bad influence on Sally Squirrel, who is sort of a flighty lady in any case. But other than that, I’ve been settling in and working on the year’s big project -- and thus we come to my exciting news!

I have finally litter-trained my favorite niece. She is coming up on three years old and, let me tell you, it has been a battle. First I had to convince her that the box of sand under the sink was for her use, that her mommy would not get mad at her for using it, and that she was getting far too old to use a diaper. As you may or may not know, cats are considered full adults when they hit a year old, and sometimes even before that. The fact that my niece Janice is almost three times that age, and still not box-trained, is frankly a little shameful.

I blame my sister, Lettie, for the holdup. It’s not that she is a bad mother, for I know that she cares deeply for Janice. And I have been told that trying to litter-train a child is considered somewhat unorthodox, though when I asked the census worker who came by last year he hastened to assure me that my methods weren’t crazy, and could I please just fill out the form so he could leave. Categorical evidence that, even if my Chia babies cannot be convinced to use a box, my niece is perfectly capable of doing so. And after our breakthrough last night, I feel like I have been completely vindicated.

I was babysitting Janice while her mother and father attended counseling, and the child had been particularly fussy. The third time she tossed her Gerber baby kibble on the floor, I decided enough was enough and that Janice needed to be made aware of my authority. She cried for a little while after I took away her feather wand, but in the end I think it made her realize that she had to start obeying me. Later that night, I saw her digging around in the litter box -- and it was the most fulfilling experience of my life thus far. I felt like a real Cat Lady for the first time that I can remember.

Of course, when Lettie came to take Janice home she was less thrilled than I had hoped. Some words were said, and I don’t think I will get to care for Janice any time soon. But I stand by my methods. Even if I never have a real cat in this house, I can hold this incident in my heart and know that I helped another creature have a better life. I’m sure Janice will thank me, one day.