I Can't Believe 311 Has Sold More Albums Than Me By Conor Oberst

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Sep 21, 2010

“Cassadaga” is the greatest album ever recorded. If you disagree with me, you’re part of the problem and I hate you.

...

You mean I have to say more? Fine. Fuck you. Fine.

I am Connor FUCKING Oberst. God’s gift to music. I’ve gotten high school kids through tough times, sex, break ups and awkward school dances. Without me, they would have killed themselves like those Judas Priest-listening kids.

It is a fact that I am the greatest thing to ever emerge from Omaha. After all, I single-handedly lifted a struggling cow farm into a bustling Midwest metropolis through the power of my music.

But is that enough for the denizens of this world? Apparently not. I wake up every day with the knowledge that 311, purveyors of (shudder) rap rock, have sold more albums than me.

I can’t comprehend how this is possible. Sure, their songs were big in the ‘90s when no one knew better. But come on, the fact that they’re still around is straight up fucked. And “Uplifter” was shit.

All of Nebraska is ashamed of them, I’m sure. I’ve never asked around, but it has to be true, right? They were all waaaay too busy listening to my Mystic Valley Band to care, right?

Who cares that their lyrics are accessible and their music is catchy? I write about SERIOUS issues like my personal life. Sure, I’ve been called heavy handed and pretentious, but at least I didn’t write that “amber is the color of your energy.” That’s the worst lyric ever. Unless I wrote it and set it to acoustic guitar, then it would be meaningful and people just “wouldn’t understand.”

I founded Saddle Creek records. Dozens of Nebraska bands who would otherwise toil in obscurity get listened to by college students who don’t buy their music.

I need to lead by example. It’s what I do in Bright Eyes, and it has nothing to do with the fact that each album has a new lineup, by the way. Let’s see....

“But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you, And I’d probably be happy”

Fuck yeah. Take that, 311. Go “down, down” on yourselves.