How To Catfish Your Facebook | By Norman Garey

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| Published Dec 6, 2011

As a fat person, it’s very important to catfish your Facebook. Whether you’re adding a classmate or a lady from Craigslist, Facebook is the deal breaker. I mean, your love interest will show her parents and her friends you’ll never meet, and they will react to your pictures without you ever getting the chance to defend yourself. For this reason, it’s very important to catfish your Facebook.

The first thing you will need to do is remove any photos that expose your fat. Photos with your shirt off, sitting fat rolls--basically anything that shows your outer obesity. Do I really even have to explain why?

Second, make your Facebook look cool. As in: if you’re fat, you’re not cool. I mean, you’re clearly eating for a reason. Now, there’s several ways you can amp up your Facebook. The first is by photo-bombing yourself with a group of people who are cool. You could have a photo with a beer in your hand to make you look drunk. Drunk people are cool. But whatever you do, don’t take a picture of yourself. That’s tacky, and the ladies will hate you. People hate seeing the flash of a camera reflecting in your mirror. And they don’t need to see your dirty room anyway.

And the last real tip is to not feel bad. So many times catfishers will ask their love interest, “What would you say if I’m fat?” DON’T DO THAT. Catfishing is the only way you’re going to be able to get hot bitches. You can’t afford to feel bad. The goal is to get a date, and they can judge that you’re fat there, on the date. In my experience you can fool women that you look like your catfished Facebook. You can wear vertical stripes, go somewhere dark, and get the gal drunk. But that’s for a different column.

I have lent you my expertise. It’s simple, really: if you’re chubby, you have to catfish your Facebook. Skinny people look skinny in their pictures, so it’s important that you do, too.