Hipster’s Testicles Win Legal Emancipation After Years Of Tight-jean Abuse

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Nov 25, 2008

In what will surely be remembered as a landmark decision for minor and testicular rights, Lancaster County judge Gary Pokorny ruled Monday that the testicles of Lincoln hipster Rusty Mathias are now legal adults in the eyes of the law, officials reported.

The verdict in Mathias v. Mathias was rendered after overwhelming evidence of systemic testicle abuse by Rusty Mathias resulting from the purchase of a pair of American Apparel Slim Slacks.

The decision creates a case law precedent for Nebraska, which until now did not have a statute for the emancipation of minors.

“While I am not an advocate of legislating from the bench, the extreme circumstances surrounding this case left me no choice but to act,” Judge Pokorny wrote in a three-page press release.

Though the judge appeared sympathetic to arguments about Rusty Mathias’s tendency to embark on long, pensive walks and habit of always wearing tight jeans regardless of the weather or season, the piece of evidence that tipped the case in favor of Rusty’s testicles was a diagram comparing the size of his favorite pair of American Apparel Slim Slacks to the size of Rusty’s legs and thighs. The diagram clearly showed there was absolutely no room for Rusty’s balls to breathe.

While Rusty’s testicles declined to comment on the case, long-time testicular rights attorney Walt Snider said in a press conference last night, “Today is a momentous day. Justice has been served for dependent minors and testicles throughout the state.”

In his own brief press conference, Rusty told the gathered reporters the ruling was a clear violation of state laws and indicated he would file an appeal.

“To put it simply, the way I treat my own testicles in the privacy of my own home is none of the state’s concern,” Rusty said.

The case caused a flood of questions to the county courthouse by concerned hipsters wondering what the specific regulations are for legal behavior toward ones' testicles.

While the county intends to release a pamphlet sometime in December describing the law in detail, a spokesman said, “In the meantime, the rule of thumb is that if the jeans apply significant pressure to the taint, they are abusive.”

If Rusty’s appeal fails, he has until the end of January to present himself to a hospital of his choosing to have the castration performed. The surgeon must then sign a letter stating the surgery was performed. Mathias will also be charged the cost of the surgery.

Asked what Rusty’s testicles plan to do once they're free, attorney Walt Snider said they were already looking into getting an apartment.

“Finally, [the testicles] will be able to find a safe place to live and relax, knowing they are no longer in harm’s way,” Snider said.