Hipster Scientist Engineers Lowest-Ever V-Neck Shirt

Story by Logan Thompson 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

The world’s foremost hipster scientist unveiled a V-neck shirt on Monday that many believe will change the science of hip forever.

“It became my lifetime goal, man,” engineer Che Goldstein said. “It was an obsession.”

That obsession was to create a V-neck with a cut lower than any other ever developed. Much lower. Hipsters define hipness in a variety of ways, but one major factor is chest hair, as well as body hair in general. The more body hair that can be exposed in a way that appears inadvertent, the more hip a person has the potential to be. The problem, Goldstein explained, is that once it seems the hipster is gratuitously showing hair, all hipness is null and void.

“It was incredibly difficult and time-consuming,” Goldstein said of his 8-year quest. “But it all became worth it when I saw that model rocking the Capital V on the runway, Hasselhoffing with his pubes.”

“Hasselpubing” is the practice of letting your pubic hair breathe, not unlike David Hasselhoff’s open-shirt chest hair. Although legendary within hipster circles, hasselpubing has long been believed impossible to pull off.

“No way,” said University of Nebraska-Lincoln hipster Jared Stills. “Everybody would totally know you were purposely just trying to hang rug. You can’t take a risk like that; it’s suicide.”

Goldstein's invention aims to change all that. By making easy access through what is considered the top of the shirt, Goldstein has added a whole new area of body hair to the equation. Hipsterdom has arrived at a level it’s never achieved before.

Goldstein is already considered the front-runner for most of the top awards in hipster science. But by now, he’s used to the notoriety. The hipster scientist was also the man behind the thick-framed Coke-bottle glasses look (both prescription and sunglasses styles). The super-skinny-jeans-with-bunchy-socks look is another of his claims to fame. The third and possibly least-known of Goldstein’s innovations is the 1970s cardigan sweater. Now, the Capital V tops his list.

The Capital V will be available exclusively at used clothing stores, beginning whenever somebody takes the first and only one to Goodwill.