Herman's Holiday Wish List Unveiled

Story by John Herman 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

I've been told that some years ago, a young boy by the name of Jesus Christ burst forth from his mother's vagina and completely ruined December 25th for a whole mess of Jewish folks. That night, eggnog and mistletoe took a back seat to gobs of placenta and detaching young Christ from, as legend has it, the most pesky umbilical cord the birthgivers had seen in all their days.

On this sacred evening of merrymaking and gift giving, it was the self-centeredness of the Christ which took precedence. With this Christly approach to December 25th in mind, I present to you the 2009 edition of John Herman's Holiday Wish-List:

1. An over-the-counter erectile dysfunction remedy.
Don't get it twisted: John Herman does not have E.D., and is often criticized for the frequency at which his erections occur. But that doesn't justify the decisions of dozens of M.D.s in the Midwest to deny me the freedom of working up an erection for the ages whenever and wherever I see fit. If I want to load up on a fistful of Cialis before heading into The Brass Rail, I should be able to do so without clearance from a doctor.

2. A sequel to 1986's made-for-TV movie A Smokey Mountain Christmas starring Dolly Parton.
Anybody with an eye for a good breast should know why this one's a classic. Dolly's the tops when it comes to overwhelming cleavage and remains the most stunning woman born in 1946 who hasn't expired. This masterpiece also marks the directorial debut of Arthur Fonzarelli, better known for his role as Henry Winkler in "Happy Days" during the 70s and 80s.

3. A massage at the Rec.
I can't say that I know anybody who's ever received one, and I'm unaware of how many female Vietnamese masseuses Campus Recreation employs, but the $30 price tag is a bit off-putting. Are these full-body massages? Are hot stones involved? And just where at the Rec are these massages being massaged? Is there a special rub-down chamber? Are there men giving these massages? Tall men? I feel so curious.

4. Toe socks.

5. An understanding of how to effectively apply the lessons of my day-to-day personal experiences to my journalism without sounding so profoundly detestable.
This should serve me well every time I throw on the blazer and write my weekly DN column under the Noah Ballard pseudonym next semester.

6. A squirter.
I'll be damned if I don't find my Mount St. Helens before 2009 comes to a close. Where are you, o lady of peculiar snatch emissions? The evasion must cease.

:) xoxo