Hannah Montana Catches Rare Disease That Only Merchandise Sales Can Cure

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

Billy Ray Cyrus announced this morning that his daughter Miley, the 16-year-old lead actress/pop singer on the hit Disney series “Hannah Montana”, has contracted a rare and deadly disease and is in critical condition. The only known cure, Cyrus said, was a delicate procedure where millions of fans spend their parents’ money on Hannah Montana DVDs, music, clothes and accessories.

“On her show, Miley may be a pop star by night and a normal teenager by day, but in real life, as on the show, Miley is my daughter full time and I love her,” Cyrus said. “So please, visit the official Hannah Montana website and click on the shopping link in the upper right hand corner and show your love for Hannah.”

“You must be 18 or older to order and will need a parent’s credit card,” Cyrus added, beginning to cry.

Sales of Hannah Montana merchandise have more than tripled since the announcement, with almost all of her recorded now among the most downloaded on iTunes. The movies “Hannah Montana: The Movie” and “Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds Concert: The 3-D Movie Extended Edition” have leaped into the top 10 lists for both DVD and Blu-Ray on Amazon.com.

The breakaway best seller, however, has been the book Miley Cyrus wrote shortly before her sickness titled “If I Ever Become Fatally Ill: Things Hannah Montana Would Buy If Somebody She Loved Might Die If She Didn’t”. The hardcover-only book is part biography and part a guide to products sold by Disney that Miley has loved over the years. At print time, the new book was second on the best-sellers list only to her previous autobiography, “Miles To Go.”

Doctors say that with enough merchandise sales, Hannah might have the energy for each of the 56 concerts she has scheduled through the rest of this year. If merchandise sales are truly amazing, however, Miley’s doctors indicate that the final season of Hannah Montana, as well as the two movies Miley is set to star in, may continue without any delays and would likely be “jam-packed with original songs, laughs, and old friends.”