Green Peace Chick Chains Herself To Whale

Story by Emily Wilson 

| Published Mar 30, 2010

Charlotte Conners, whale enthusiast and organic grocery owner, chained herself to an endangered Sei whale in Florida on Sunday to protest the destructive whaling practices her yoga teacher told her about that one time in class. Equipped with an ill-fitting wet suit, zip-close bag of protein bars and a waterproof walkie-talkie, Conners entered the water near a Panama City beach, swam almost a mile to a pod of Sei whales and attached herself to a female whom Conners had previously dubbed "CeCe." Conners, who until recently had been working as the regional manager at a Panama City Whole Foods, has no diving experience. Her knowledge of whales comes primarily from Wikipedia.

During a press conference immediately before the event, Conners announced that she planned to stay chained to CeCe until the United Nations took measures to enforce their Anti-Whaling treaty, which was first introduced in 1966. Whaling has cut the Sei whale population to about one-fifth of its original size, placing them on the endangered species list.

While CeCe is 55 feet long and is estimated to weigh around 35 tons, Conners has no concern for her personal safety. “CeCe is a gentle animal,” Conners said. “She only feeds on copepods, krill and other zooplankton. The species name, Sei, comes from the Norwegian word for pollock and Wikipedia's picture of a baleen totally rocks. It’s whales who should fear us, not the other way around.”

Conner’s mission is generating a lot of support in the hacky sack-playing community, but several whale experts have come forward to express concern about Conner’s mission.

“She’s a moron. There’s just no way she’s not going to die,” said marine biologist Michelle Dunham. Exposure, dehydration, other animals preying on her... and there’s also the tiny problem that Sei whales can hold their breath for about two hours.”

In her final statement, Conners explained the motivation behind such a drastic demonstration. “I’m really concerned about the diminishing whale population, and I’ve always been really into passive protest. I’m really excited to combine my two greatest passions in such a creative fashion. Also, I think the inspirational T-shirt line should be ready in about two weeks.”