Grandparents Fairly Certain Unmarried Granddaughter Is A Lesbian

Story by Kelsey Richard 

| Published Nov 23, 2010

Lincoln residents Francis and Marge Spruce are more certain than ever that their 28-year-old granddaughter Carrie is “a lesbian now”.

“I’m so worried she’s lost all interest in men. I’ve tried to get through to her, to council her in how to be properly courted, but she’s shown no interest. Ever since I took her to visit our family priest for a little chat, she’s been avoiding me entirely,” Marge sobbed into her husband’s shoulder.

“The short hair, the pants, all those Annie Lennox CDs? I think it’s pretty obvious,” added Francis.

Carrie Spruce is a university educated, unmarried woman who is currently in the process of building up her own marketing firm. She’s also a perfectly capable cook who knows how to use a vacuum.

Family reports indicate that she hasn’t had a steady male romantic link since her high school days. Carrie has been notified multiple times since her 25th birthday party that her ovaries “gonna shrivel up sooner than later,” and has received no less than three offers for blind dates with “nice boys we met on Sunday morning” from her grandparents. Carrie has rudely turned all of them down, providing some bullshit excuse that she would feel uncomfortable going out with strangers.

Francis Spruce just wants the best for his only granddaughter, and can’t help but take it personally when she won’t contribute to family tradition and procreation.

The Dailyer was unable to contact Miss Spruce for comment. It is assumed she was late for softball practice, or something.