Gay Community Cannot Wait To Exercise Right To Die In Middle East

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

Members of the gay community have once again expressed their extreme eagerness for a chance to die in combat in Iraq and Afghanistan late yesterday after President Obama renewed his promise to end the “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy of the US armed forces.

In a speech to the GLBT advocacy group Human Rights Campaign, Obama announced that he would “put an end to ‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’ and put an M-16 into the hands of every willing gay, lesbian or transgender soldier who volunteered.” His announcement received a standing ovation and scattered calls of “Hoorah!”

“Every American, regardless of sexual orientation, should enjoy equal access to the joy of marriage and the honor of dying in combat in a foreign country after your platoon is ambushed,” said Human Rights Campaign president Joe Solmonese, who has already shaved off all of his hair and begun rigorous training for whenever he is allowed to begin basic training.

Though the gay community is trying not to get its hopes up in case they are not allowed to serve openly in the military for another year or more, sources report that just the prospect of some day walking alongside a tank during a routine patrol outside of Baghdad, knowing that at any moment you might have to kill or be killed, is enough to keep many of them awake at night with anticipation.

Pat Tetreault, faculty adviser for the UNL QSA, said a lot of the student members of QSA are now considering joining ROTC as soon as they can. “I’ve spoken to several QSA students who yearn longingly for the day they can serve as officers in some of the most inhospitable places on the planet, who would walk and swim their way to Iraq for a shot at eternal glory on the battlefield,” she said.

“I just hope Obama doesn’t muck the whole thing up and end any wars before the gay community gets the same opportunity to be maimed and killed by roadside explosives that every American deserves,” Tetreault added.