FUSION Party Profile: Meet Kiana Mathew
| Published Feb 23, 2010
I was lucky enough to catch FUSION’s Internal Vice Presidential candidate Kiana Mathew for a brief fifteen-minute interview in her 1995 green minivan.
“So what we’re basically trying to do is bring the student body together,” Kiana said while casually wiping off the remains of the trail of cocaine that just moments prior lied neatly on my lower back. “I just think that we have a lot to offer as well as the desire to act on our promises.”
FUSION consists of Kiana Mathew and two potentially German men. Their platforms consist of wanting good things to happen, somehow uniting diverse groups of people, making human beings into happier human beings and maybe lowering parking costs.
“We came up with our party’s name one day while we were all gathered around the television watching Dragon Ball Z,” Mathew said as she took a double-drag of her Marlboro Red cigarette, blowing smoke out of her nostrils like the bull of a candidate she truly is. “I had just taken a massive rip off DeSpiegelarereinegner’s bong, and all of the sudden the name just came to me.”
Despite her relatively Caucasian sounding last name, Mathew is Indian—dot, not feather—or possibly Mexican. The only thing that is known for sure is that she is definitely possibly not American.
“People notice that I’m not white and assume I’m a terrorist,” Mathew said while loading a single bullet into the chamber of her revolver, anxiously awaiting our looming game of Russian roulette. “It’s not true though, I enjoy the normal things that regular white-folk like too—like New Wave or drunk driving.”
After the fastest fifteen minutes of my life, Kiana dropped me off at my dorm room, caressed my face—an Indian tradition, I assume—and left to go work her daily shift at the Lincoln Soup Kitchen. Strong, diverse, levelheaded and as all American as Sarah Palin, Kiana Mathew certainly stole my vote.
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