Frantic Congress Announces All Money Now Worth Double

Story by Ben Plowman 

| Published Oct 28, 2008

Following over a trillion dollars in approved spending on economic stimulus this past month, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has continued to plummet in recent days, prompting Congress to pass a bill calling for the immediate doubling of the value of all US currency, sources report.

The bill, which passed by overwhelming margins in emergency sessions of both the House and Senate and signed into law by President George W. Bush, aims to give each dollar the purchasing power of two dollars.
    
After signing the bill, President Bush addressed the nation in a televised speech, saying “These hard economic times require each of us to rise to the occasion and pass as many bills as fast as possible. There is no time to worry, there is no time to think, we must simply act.”
    
The plan itself, named officially the “Please Stock Market Do What We Say Law of 2008” will come in two phases.

During the first phase, starting immediately and lasting through Nov. 15, banks must allow their clients to trade cash for twice that amount of cash.

The serial numbers of the doubled cash will be recorded in a national database to prevent abuse.
  
The second phase will be implemented on Nov. 16 and will force all banks to double the account balances of all of their clients. Outstanding debt, however, will remain uneffected.
    
While the stimulus package has led to a 12% increase in the approval rating of Congress since it was first passed, many critics have come out against the plan.

One such critic, chair of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln economics department Dr. Scott Fuess, said in an interview, “This is the single most short-sighted plan in the history of the United States. It will lead to widespread inflation, it will have no change in the buying power of the US dollar overseas, and it will make buying Pop Tarts out of the vending machine in CBA take twice as many quarters.”
    
The Dow has surged more than 40 percent in the short time since the bill was signed into law, more than making up for initial losses as people sold their stocks for cash in order to double it.

The news on the market, however, has not all been positive, with exchange rates of the Euro and British pound to U.S. dollars reaching record lows.
    
Leading candidates for president, Sen. John McCain and Barack Obama, both voted in favor of the plan.

Obama’s campaign focused on the fact that this plan would halve the debt to equity ratio of the United States by doubling the equity, calling it a bold step forward for the future of America.

McCain’s campaign, however, underlined the fact that at today’s rates they could start and fund an additional war the size of the one in Iraq, thus doubling the amount of freedom we are capable of delivering to the Middle East.
    
In light of the mixed results on Wall Street, Congress is investigating taking even more drastic measures.

Proposed bills include banning a stock’s ability to decrease in value, eliminating all rainy days and inclement weather and calling for Congress to receive infinity wishes.